Anyone who has ever been on a first date will know, at every turn, there are huge chasms of awkwardness just waiting to be fallen into. Here are a few of the tricky devils, and how to claw your way over, under or through them (or avoid them altogether!). First date hurdles and how to leap over them (like a majestic gazelle).
The first date pleasantries vortex
If you’re like me, small talk will make you feel like taking the steak knife from the table between you and ramming it straight into your own eyeball. Of course, you’re going to spend a bit of time swapping general niceties: Where you work, if you have kids, the usual, boring, getting-to-know-you business. After that, you can manoeuvre the conversation forward toward more interesting subject matter. This will begin to determine whether or not you might be truly compatible. The difficulty here is knowing what to say, as well as combating and embracing silences.
One way to avoid the dreaded awkward pause is to prepare some topics beforehand. You don’t have to memorise a whole script, but feeling prepared and having a few ideas ready can help to calm your nerves. If you often find yourself floundering for something to say, take it a step further and bring cards with topics or questions on them.
A friend of mine did this on his first date with his now fiancé (tried and tested folks). He simply placed the cards face down on the table for any potential lull in the conversation. Although they turned out to have enough to say to each other without them, it created a sense of intrigue and was a cute icebreaker (plus, she was dying to know what was on them!).
The endless void of self-aggrandising bullsh*t
We’ve all been here, right? It’s been 30 minutes and your date and their seemingly endless lung capacity have just babbled you into a boredom coma. You struggle to resist rolling your eyes into the fourth dimension. Yet they continue to dribble on about nothing but themselves and their myriad of accomplishments. An endless sermon of me, me, me. Barney Stinson called, he wants his personality back.
Beware of: The classic ‘humblebrag’, those ostensibly modest statements that are sneakily used to undermine you. “Oh, you’re a school teacher! How fascinating. I once fed 12 starving children by regurgitating my food directly into their mouths, but that was nothing.” Please stop shooting me in the face with a semi-automatic loaded with your own sense of self-importance.
There is not a lot that can be done to redeem a date with narcissus incarnate. This tends to be a lost cause, but here a couple of ways to deal with the situation.
- Leave. BYE. Nobody has time for that.
- Start talking about your cats, it doesn’t matter if you don’t have any, invent 12! Give them personalities and painfully cute names. Live the dream.
- Drink heavily, make them pay.
- Try to outdo their self-obsessed diatribe with your own outlandish achievements. You, rescued a puppy from under a car? Well, I flossed without bleeding this morning. Checkmate.
I want to order real food, but not seem like a fat sh*t
As I mentioned in a previous article my partner was never more beautiful to me than when I watched him devour a burger like his life depended on it. If your date is turned off by you getting down and dirty with a plate of meat and potatoes, how are they going to feel about seeing you in your underwear, watching Netflix and shoveling Doritos into your mouth by the handful?
Order those ribs! Smear them all over your face! You do you, you glorious bastard.
Help! My date seems to have glued their phone to their hand because they WON’T PUT IT DOWN.
This is just plain rude and gives you full licence to be as weird as you like until they put their goddamn phone down.
It is not a difficult concept. Put. Your. Phone. Away. We have become so dependent on connectivity and instant gratification that we sometimes forget to experience our actual lives. There is a real, tangible human being sitting right in front of you, talk to them!
This can be combatted by stating at the beginning of the date a ‘phones away’ rule, or a ‘phones in the middle of the table rule’. Make it fun, perhaps they have to buy you shots every time they pick up their phone, or whoever touches their phone first pays the bill. If they really won’t put it down, just send them a text that says ‘Bye, b**ch’, and go do something more entertaining like staring at a brick wall.
Why are they so obsessed with their ex?
The age-old question, ‘it is okay to talk about your ex on a first date?’ It’s not a 100% taboo subject, nobody is pretending that they’ve never been on another date before. But it’s a warning signal when your date talks non-stop about ‘crazy’ exes. It tends to indicate that they can’t accept responsibility for their own failures. Red flags baby, red flags everywhere. The way a person speaks about others is a great indication of their character. Talking smack about exes (particularly to someone you have just met) can make you appear like a magnet for drama.
Showing up late
A little lateness can be forgiven. We get it, traffic can be hell, trains delayed, got stuck at work, whatever. But please, for the love of god, just call and let them know, or send a text one of the multitudes of platforms we have to contact each other. It’s not a difficult concept, just show up on time, or at least within a reasonable period of lateness. If you know you’re going to be pressed for time, maybe push the date back a half hour in advance. Most importantly, if you decide you no longer want to go on the date (which is your prerogative) just TELL THEM.
The honestly policy
There is a fine line with honesty on a first date. While we want to be upfront with our date as much as possible, we also need to find ways to do so without hurting their feelings. Here are some handy Do’s and Don’ts
DO:
Mention if you’re a vegetarian/vegan/coeliac/recovering alcoholic before the date.
Be upfront about what you are looking for.
Tell them about the things that you are passionate about.
Have the courage to call it a night if it’s really not working about (but don’t be a d*ck about it)
DON’T
Tell them that you were expecting them to be better looking.
Make comments about their weight.
Put them down for what they believe in (Sometimes you’re just not compatible, but that’s no reason to be rude).
Hide your true self. You have to embrace your weird hobbies. If they don’t approve of them on the first date, they aren’t going to approve of them on the 5th or 100th date either.
WHO IS GONNA PAY FOR THIS
Let’s just forget about those painful old gender stereotypes for a second. Unless you’re an entitled a**hole, you should at least OFFER to split the bill (even if you know they will refuse), especially if you ate/drank more than your date.
If you decide to split the bill, don’t be a penny-pincher. Counting the cents only makes you seem pedantic, just split that bad boy down the middle. The exception to this being if one of you has ordered far more extravagantly, then it’s that person’s responsibility to pay for their lavish meal. If you’re on a tight budget, mention it beforehand, use your words!
Big ol’ red flags
- Staff rudeness. If your date is rude to the waiter or staff wherever you are, your date is a jerk.
- Chewing with your mouth open. I didn’t ask for Seafood, this is not dinner and a show.
- Bringing parents along. I can’t believe this one is even getting a mention. In my research, for this article, I was ASTOUNDED by the number of stories about people bringing their parent’s on their date. What?!? No!!
- Hygiene. Hygiene. Hygiene. If they have not even taken the time to shower for your date, do you think they are going to put any effort into cleanliness in the rest of their life?
- Asking about how much money you make/your financial security. Unless you’re seeking a sugar relationship, that is nobody’s business on your first date.
- Getting too clingy too fast. Don’t Ted Mosby your poor date.
Hopefully, these tips can help you avoid a disaster of a first date, or at least recognise it while it is happening. If you still have a terrible first date, that’s okay! Go home and high five yourself and your 12 imaginary cats for being single.
