What you need to know about Stonewalling

This communication pattern will make you feel like you are talking to a wall, but it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. This is  what you need to know about stonewalling.

If your partner shuts down and avoids your texts or goes silent when you bring up a particular topic and are unable to explain why; they are probably stonewalling you.

When this happens you find yourself questioning all the little things. Did you miss anything, what was your last move, trying to think of reasons why they are behaving and acting that way?

Stonewalling can be infuriating and sometimes confusing; most importantly it can be very harmful to a relationship if the behaviour is not corrected.

Stonewalling is not talking to someone, giving them the silent treatment, or just not talking about a certain subject to avoid confrontation.

However, at its worse, stonewalling can be a manipulative tactic, says LA-based psychologist Carder Stout, PhD. “Stonewalling […] is often an unhealthy, convoluted attempt to see how much your partner cares about you,” says Stout. “Do they keep texting even though I’m not responding? Are they getting annoyed, jealous, suspicious, anxious? Stonewalling [can be] used to evoke an emotional response from your partner to see how interested they are in you.”

Obviously, stonewalling is a very bad communication pattern that can turn into a bad habit. So here’s what to do if you ever see it in your relationship.

Why Do People Do It?

If your partner stonewalls you there is no moving forward or a solution to the problem. This can cause a lot of resentment and feelings of hatred on both sides. Often stonewalling is a response to feeling overwhelmed and not knowing how to respond to a topic. However, this bad communication habit can also be a response to couples who feel contempt for remarks of mocking, sarcasm, or ridicule. This means their response, though not helpful and incredibly frustrating, could be a response to your communication habits as well. There are many reasons why people stonewall.

They might need time to think about their response, however, they could communicate that clearly instead of going silent and making the other feel ignored and frustrated. Maybe they might not have the communication skills to express their feelings. Another reason for stonewalling is that a person might feel there is no hope for change and as such will not talk about the issue. Stonewalling can be incredibly frustrating, and you might not totally understand the reasons why your partner stonewalls, but every relationship is different, and there are ways to work through it.

How to Deal With a Partner Who Stonewalls

One way to combat stonewalling is to take a break from a conversation, take a half hour where you do something alone and return to the conversation when you both feel ready. Remember to not walk away without an explanation. Do what is best for you. Whether it is talking to a couples therapist or walking away from it all together. In a relationship, you need to honour your needs and as such; only you can determine what is best for you.

Can a relationship survive stonewalling?

 It is possible. As long as both partners are willing to acknowledge that their communication patterns are unhealthy and need changing the behaviour that will last long-term. However, this will take time and patience. It’s a two-way street—perhaps there’s something you’re doing that makes your partner feel like they have to stonewall, or perhaps it’s a more deep-seated issue your partner needs to work through with a professional on their own. Both partners deserve peace of mind and to be able to work through conflict in a healthy manner. So, it might be worth working with a therapist to identify where your communication habits falter and how to get them on the right track.