These dating trends are rendering us incapable of hard conversations. A component that is essential in any long term relationship.

Esther Perel a couples therapist, author and famous speaker, gives us a guide to communicating about love in this day and age.

Watch Esther Perel in the YouTube video below explaining the state of modering dating.

Esther makes a plea that we end our relationships with more respect and conclusiveness. We are inevitably affecting people’s sense of self-worth and destroying their sense of confidence.

Remember at the end of the text there is another human being with feelings and they don’t want their confidence shattered. They can accept that they are not the person you choose but it doesn’t mean that they can be cast aside without respect or a thought.

H/T Elephant Journal

Featured image: Unsplash

Modern dating has brought about some dating terms that are awful.

You’ve probably heard of a few of them by now: kittenfishing, ghosting and breadcrumbing, to name a few.

Now there’s a new dating trend floating around the internet, it’s called “cloaking“. Like the previous dating terms that have come to exist, it’s a result of the close-knit interaction between dating and digital technology we use on a daily basis.

What is cloaking?

Cloaking was coined by Mashable writer Rachel Thompson after an unpleasant dating experience she had. She describes cloaking like this: Cloaking is when a person doesn’t just stand you up for a date. They also block you on any app you have previously communicated on.

It’s not a nice thing to go through. The digital era makes it easy for strangers to chat but it’s hard to see them as individuals. Treating someone badly, whether ghosting or roaching is a result of that reality, unfortunately. There are plenty of people who hide behind their screens and lose touch with reality.

Why would anyone start a conversation online only to disappear before things even begin? Right? Maybe there’s a bigger disconnect between screen-life and real-life. Maybe there are people who get frightened about meeting IRL.

Cloaking it seems to be about fear, fear of connection, fear of being vulnerable, fear of being real and being honest.

Don’t pull this humiliating act on anyone. If you changed your mind write a text to cancel, it doesn’t take a lot of time. It might lead to an unpleasant interaction but it’s the decent thing to do instead of disappearing and blocking someone. Let the other person know you have changed your mind.

What to do if you get cloaked?

On the last note, do not try to track down your cloaker to give them a piece of your mind. We understand you’re angry, but if they don’t have the emotional maturity or honesty to write you a text to cancel, maybe you dodged a bullet.

Move on because there’s plenty of fish in the sea.

Obviously, it’s every singleton’s responsibility to stay abreast of all these dating terms so they can defend themselves.

The latest one is ‘R-Bombing’ i.e. when a person you’re interested in reads your message but doesn’t respond. Essentially, they ignore you.

We have all experienced that sinking feeling of watching our phone screens waiting for a reply after you know your message has been “read”. Then anxiously await the ‘….’ showing you they are in the process of answering and then no reply.

Oh, yeah, you have just been R-Bombed.

The hardest thing about R-Bombing is the torture of knowing that your message has been read. Why would anyone behave this way, you wonder?
The people who “R-Bomb” are likely to lack basic communication skills, choosing to be silent rather than saying what is on their minds. It could be they fear conflict or being called out for their behaviour.

How do you handle R-Bombing?

You can choose to just leave it and move on. Or wait a while to give them a chance to respond, if they respond. Your actions toward being R-Bombed depends on how long you have been seeing each other. If you have been seeing each other for a short time, letting it slide seems the most obvious thing to do. However, if you have been seeing each other for a while, then you need to decide what is best for you. It’s true that choosing to end a relationship this way lacks closure. One thing is for sure, don’t over think it, because their lack of courtesy, it’s makes it obvious that it’s not you, it’s them who are the problem. They are poor communicators and don’t know how to be honest and authentic.

Another course of action to take against this awful and frustrating behaviour is to change the setting in your phone and turn off both “read” message and “now typing “. Sometimes “Ignorance is bliss”.

Gatsbying is apparently when you, like Jay Gatsby from The Great Gatsby, throw lavish parties in the hopes of attracting the object of your desire. Just one huge difference: Instead of buying a mansion, reinventing yourselves and throwing wild parties. Millennials just post a photo or video on their Instagram or Snapchat Story, designed to attract that special someone.

Gatsbying is the new millennial dating trend, that refers to showing off on social media in the hopes that someone special will see your posts. Literally, where pretty young things put on a show to get their crush’s attention.

We’re all guilty of documenting our lives a little too much at times. But there can also be an ulterior motive behind why some of us upload videos, photos and Instagram Story. And that is in the hope that your crush will see it and message you.

Aussie model Matilda Dods who coined the trend and described it best in a post about it for TomBoyBeauty

“To post a video, picture or selfie to public social media purely for a love interest to see it.”

It doesn’t sound like Gatsbying is as bad as the other dating trends. However, it is a lot of energy spent in hope of attracting the attention of your crush. Seems like a text could do the job faster and a more direct way to communicate with your crush.

Hope that if you choose Gatsbying to grab your crush’s attention that it’ll go well. That it might elicit that flirty conversation from someone you’ve been secretly fantasising about. However, it doesn’t always work.

What is mosting?

If you had someone who said you were their soul mate, proclaimed their undying love for you and then disappeared. You have been mosted, my friend.

You have been lead to believe that your relationship was genuine. The ‘moster’ will show you how important you are to them, only to leave you high and dry without any warning or explanation.

‘Moster’ fake emotions to create a false connection in order to get what they want. Ever heard of ‘whisper sweet nothings’ to get what they want? Mosting follows in the same vein but worse, your emotional connection is a fraud.

This new dating trend is actually nothing new, it’s been happening for centuries where the ‘playboy’ sweeps the girl off her feet for one reason only – yeah you know what we’re talking about. The reason any man would do this in this day and age is that they do not know how to ask for what they want. Really! In the age on Tinder, there’s no reason for this. There are plenty of women looking to fulfil their desires, so why play with someone’s emotions?

How do you spot a moster?

If you keep falling for mosters remember this: It’s not normal for anyone to shower you with excessive flattery right from the beginning. No matter how good the sex or chemistry is. Genuine people will consider if what they are feeling is genuine before they just shower you with flattery because they don’t want to come on too strong.

Mosting is deceitful and messes with the lives of those looking for happiness. There is no need for this behaviour. Being direct and truthful about your intentions helps prevent confusion where the relationship is going and unnecessary hurt. Obviously, the Moster might be rejected by the person who is looking for more than just fun.

Of course, not everyone is Moster, some people are just bad at being in relationships.

If your intention is only to have fun, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just be truthful and say it outright, it’s the mature way. Nobody deserves to be left wondering what went wrong and if they are to blame. Be honest about your intentions so the other person can make an informed choice about whether they want to be with you.

In any case, the moster is probably doing you a favour by showing you their flaws earlier before they become a partner.

What is stashing?

Stashing is when the person you’re dating fails to introduce you to anyone in their lives, keeping you a secret or hiding you.

One day, it sneaks up on you and you slowly come to realise you have been stashed. You’ve been dating for months and all seems fine, except for a small detail. You have slowly noticed that you haven’t met your partner’s family, best mates or any single significant person in their life.

What is the problem with being stashed?

This trend is something that is happening to people all over the world who are dating. What is the problem with being stashed? When you are a victim of stashing, you are hidden from every other part of the slasher’s life. Allowing them to be unconsidered and awful. When you are not publicly and officially together, the stashed is able to tell themselves that you are not actually together, so they are entitled to treat you poorly.

Problem with being stashed is that everything appears to be lovely when you are together but it’s only as long as you don’t exist outside the bedroom.

How do you stop this?

If you allow this to go on, you will start to feel bad about yourself and your relationship.  Not feeling valued and respected in a relationship is not worth.  Time to get out. Leave before this relationship leaves you feeling worthless. Find someone who is happy and proud to be with you by letting everyone know who you are.

How do you ask? They are looking at you via your social media.

The term – Orbiting – was coined by Man Repeller’s Anna Iovine, who experienced orbiting firsthand. She had connected with a guy on all her social media platforms after they went on a first date. After their second date, the guy stopped responding to her texts.  However, he oddly,  still watched all of her Instagram Stories, thus keeping Iovine “in his orbit,” as her friend eloquently put it.

Like ghosting, orbiting requires one person in a relationship to inexplicably cut ties and just disappear off the face of the planet (so to speak). The difference is that this person doesn’t go off the grid; instead, they will ghost you and then occasionally pop back into your life usually via social media.

Orbiting is a dating trend that could only occur in the age of social media.

There are several explanations that might explain why people orbit, according to Iovine. It could be a power move, it might be a sign of FOMO (fear of missing out) or an attempt at trying to keep options open.

The dating scene sadly has become quite complicated since the advent of social media. To ensure you are not messing with people’s mental state, just break things off when you are not feeling it. Most important make it clear as daylight and then stay away from their social media accounts.

Social media is certainly not going to paint a better picture of the person you just met. If things didn’t jell in-person social media is going to confuse you and trick you into believing something else. Be an adult and move on and let others move on too and create the opportunity for something new to happen.

If you are a victim of orbiting, just block them from your social media.

It’s just totally not cool to just disappear and then engage in creepy-behaviour.

The reality of the dating world today is different. Instead, we have a series of scary trends sucking all the joy from dating. To mention a few – love bombing, d*ck and dash, roaching, ghosting – essentially all trendy terms describing people being nasty while dating. With all these negative terms floating around, dating is becoming rather daunting.

A new dating term, caspering, coined by International Business Times, is a kinder term, it’s simply ghosting but in a friendly manner.

This is your guide to caspering, the dating term that isn’t nasty.

You must have heard of ghosting when someone you are dating disappears so suddenly. So sudden you wonder if they have dropped dead. No one likes rejection. Being dumbed without explanation is absolutely the worse where even the toughest of egos will get hurt. Although at times is understandable to cut ties with a date that is behaving in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. It’s still polite to just send a short text.

Some examples of texts you could use when caspering could read something like this:

” Hey, sorry, we just not a perfect match. I had a great time on our date. Best of luck with everything in the future” or ‘Hey, just to let you know – you’re an amazing person but I just didn’t feel the spark and think we shouldn’t see each other.  I’m going to stop replying to messages and calls. It certainly isn’t a reflection on whom you are as a person. Best of luck with everything in the future.’

So, instead of just ghosting, choose caspering, in other words, go about ghosting in a kind and compassionate manner. Offering an explanation and warning the other person before ignoring their calls and texts. Don’t lead them on, if you are just not feeling it, tell them so.

Sex Educator, Alix Fox told IBTTimes UK that she wants to see people practice more compassionate dating and hopes new terms will emerge to replace words with negative connotations like ‘ghosting’. She elaborates below:

‘I’d like to see more positive new terms enter the linguistic landscape, to make people more mindful about behaving well towards others and themselves, help them navigate the modern dating process more joyfully, and ultimately enjoy happier experiences,’ said Alix.
‘If you’re going to ghost someone, be friendly about it! ‘If you’ve decided you don’t want to chat to someone any longer, that’s fine, but if they’re simply not your cuppa and haven’t been an ass, try to leave them with a compliment or some constructive feedback so they feel bolstered to keep on looking for love.’

We support this kinder and more compassionate manner of dating. Everybody should have a fair chance at love and romance. Nobody deserves to be treated badly when looking for love and their ideal person. Hoping that new and more positive dating terms surface to make dating a pleasant experience for all.

Cheers to caspering!

What is Love bombing?

Love bombing is a seductive tactic, where a manipulative person tries to control another individual with “bombs”,  from day one.

If you have someone declaring their undying love to you after only a couple of weeks, step back and ask yourself; ‘Am I about to be a victim of what it’s known as ‘love bombing’?

According to Dale Archer, a psychiatrist and author, love bombing is where you are showered with affection, gifts, and promises for the future, making you believe you may have discovered love at first sight. Someone is loving, caring, affectionate, and seems to just “get” you. Things progress really quickly, and you start to wonder whether this is what you’ve been missing all along.

Everything happens so quick, that the victim is left with little time to assess if they are being dubbed. Things take a turn when you start paying attention to other things in your life. Evidence of frustration and anger starts to show,  a side of them you didn’t see before. They will become mean and belittle you and they become emotionally and psychologically abusive. Love bombing is the reinforcement, where the abuser showers you with love if you act how they want you to.

Love bombers are manipulative people who hook up their victims by showering them with attention first. And then proceed to devalue them especially when they focus on other aspects of their life that are also important to them.

Archer makes a very good point, healthy relationships build up slowly and couples should maintain healthy friendships with friends and family.

Maintain friendships and family relationships, be outspoken about your needs and wants in a new relationship and always take it slow. Finally, remember to stop, look, and listen.

If you feel you are walking on eggshells and feel like you are losing your sense of self, it’s time to step back and cut off from the relationship.

Archer urges people to remember the advice: ‘If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.’

It seems to be a rough deal and your self-worth has been tempered with. It’s not like you are suffering from a broken heart here. You are, however, suffering from a bruised ego. If you’re feeling bummed for being ghosted, getting over being ghosted quickly is easier than you think.

Ghosting is not so bad really. If someone doesn’t want to see you again, why would you want to force them too? It’s best to move forward and put your energy in trying to find someone you like and they like you back.

If you feeling bummed by being ghosted, here are some ways to get over it quickly.

1. Don’t take it personally

Ghosting is not about you, it’s about the lack of chemistry between the two of you. Logically, no one should feel too upset about it. Just two people recognising that to pursue this is a waste of time and will not benefit anyone. Don’t try to force something that was never meant to be.

2. Focus on moving forward

Make plans on what is next in your love life or career life. Don’t be too hung up on that guy who ghosted you, you didn’t really know him at all. Focus on your hobbies, on things you like and even your work. By the end of the week, you’ll have forgotten all about being ghosted.

3. Don’t let it affect you

Why would you let a stranger affect your life? If he doesn’t contact you, is because he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with you. Chemistry and love can’t be forced, it’s either there or not.

4. Move on

Start talking to other possible dates. There are so many people out there looking for you. So be patient and yes, you might get ghosted a few more times, but it’s all worth it when you finally find someone who likes you and you like them back.

Life’s too short to spend wondering why a stranger you went on date with a couple of times, never bothered to stay.