Jealousy, cheating, sexual fetishes, swinging, kink, but most of all, negotiated fidelity: The Velvet Pouch written by Holly Hill deals with all these issues, as well as many more. Forget 50 Shades, this memoir is written from the author’s own personal experiences and is a sexy, gritty and emotional read that many readers (‘vanilla’ or otherwise) will be able to relate to in some way…even if they don’t agree with the principles expressed in it.

The story begins when Hill meets Dino, a single man with rock-star looks, a fetish for shiny clothing and terrible mood swings. The two begin a tumultuous relationship where they decide to try negotiated fidelity for the first time i.e. both partners are allowed to have sexual relationships with others that they negotiate as a couple, with full disclosure but no emotional connections (for example, spending the night cuddling) allowed.

While in theory it sounds perfect – they both can have their cake and eat it too – the reality of the emotional repercussions that such an arrangement has, leads Hill to discover many new truths about herself, as well as about her lover.

At times, I found the story very relatable, and it was comforting to hear an intelligent 40-something year-old woman grappling with many of the emotional issues that I had experienced myself in past relationships (and present). On the other hand, I found Holly’s inability to stand up for herself and allowing herself to be treated as a doormat at times frustrating. Again though, this was relatable, because what woman hasn’t let her judgment by clouded by love at one time or another?

As well as the exploration of her relationship with Dino, there are a few side stories that give the memoir depth and help to remind you that this isn’t just a sordid tale of sexy adventures, but a real person’s life, with all that that entails – including dealing with morality and even euthanasia.

Having not yet read the other two stories – you can be sure I’ll now be rushing to the bookstore to get my hands on a copy on them – in the trilogy of Holly Hill’s memoirs, I can’t say how they stack up. I can, however, safely say that The Velvet Pouch is a worthwhile read purely on its own merits.

Personally, not only could I agree with and relate to the principles that Hill expressed, but I wanted to stand up and applaud her for her forward-thinking ways. Some have criticized her and labeled her an anti-feminist for saying that to keep their men women must be willing to let them stray. From where I sit, Hill does the opposite: she empowers women to take back control by “taking back the fucking,” and to feel proud of not denying their baser urges by crossing their legs and ignoring what is – arguably –basic human nature and biologically natural. Bravo, Holly Hill!

Interview with Holly Hill – Author of The Velvet Pouch

Given what you have learnt about negotiated fidelity, how would you go about entering into that kind of relationship again?

Now that I have perfected the negotiated fidelity recipe, I wouldn’t enter a relationship WITHOUT negotiated fidelity. It is simply risk management. If I really loved my partner, a relationship without negotiated fidelity would be like buying a Ferrari and not insuring it.

Sexual Health Australia estimates that 70% of marriages experience an affair. And the University of Washington says if you are under 30, that statistic increases by 20% for wives and 45% for husbands.

The Men’s Rights Agency claim up to 30% of men in Australia are living with a child they mistakenly believe is their biological offspring.

That means putting up your hand and saying to your wife or your boyfriend or your same sex partner or WHOEVER you have a substantial investment in and saying, “Darling, I’m not getting enough” or “Sweetie, I’ve got this weird fetish that needs to be scratched” or “Honey, sometimes I need to have sex merely for sex’s sake.”

If we love our partners and we want to keep them, we need to start negotiating our fidelity, defining our weaknesses and posing solutions BEFORE things go pear-shaped.

You say in The Velvet Pouch that “Women have to take the fucking back…Then we can have anything we want.” Do you think that this will ever happen, or are men and women too rooted in their traditional gender and sexual roles?

The progression to our type of lifestyle follows models of social change. In times gone by, swingers and the fetish community might have been regarded as “those freaks who thought the world was round”, yet social change models would merely describe us as innovators or early adopters and we make up about 16% of the world’s population. Celebrities, many highly successful business people and the well educated are also there. Behind us comes the early majority (34%) with the remaining 50% being the late majority and laggards. Right now the early majority are reading 50 Shades. The late majority might think it should be kept under the counter and the laggards are probably praying to God that He directs His wrath upon the demonic temptress author and evil booksellers that are subverting poor innocents.

Part of that social progression is women becoming more risqué. It is now becoming okay for women – the innovators and early adopters we spoke about above – plus teenagers and 20-something’s – to be high sexed and not caged by exclusivity. As I say in The Velvet Pouch, if women were (proudly!) promiscuous, we would rule a world full of happy men.

What is the most valuable lesson that you’ve taken away from your experiences over the course of your three memoirs?

That both men and women are hardwired to be multifarious and if we don’t risk manage those primordial inclinations, our marriages will continue to fail and our families will continue to be ripped apart.

The Velvet Pouch was the third in a trilogy of very personal memoirs for you, what’s next for Holly Hill?

I’m becoming more generalized, instead of advocating for sexual freedoms, same sex marriage, euthanasia, surrogacy rights, and so on, I’m going to start fighting for the human right to full self ownership. As long as we are of legal age and sound mind and it doesn’t hurt anybody else, people ought to be able to do what they like with their own bodies. It’s my new passion – stay tuned!

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