BDSM encompasses a whole bunch of different practice; the B&D: stands for Bondage and Discipline; D&S: stands for Dominance and Submission; S&M, stands for Sadism and Masochism, and it is often referred to as “kink”.

It’s common to assume that sadism-and-masochism enthusiasts are at best unusual or shocking and at worst downright depraved. But are they really? Well, The Gimp in Pulp Fiction certainly is — living in a locked crate in the basement of a pawnshop will do that to you. M&S is about pain, administered with care and skill, which will stir all sorts of impulses pumping your endorphins that give you the same high that sport people will sometimes feel.

Research does suggest that BDSM/Kink enthusiasts differ from “normal” people in two ways: They have higher levels of education and tend to be very creative. BDSM/Kink is also more common than you probably think; experts estimate one in five couples dabble, and one in 20 engage in very serious play.

People sometimes think that those who practice BDSM are emotionally scared or were once abused; it’s not true it’s a myth. People who are involved with BDSM come from all walks of life, doctors, bosses, lawyers, bus drivers, nurses, they are you and I. There’s a lot of people you might know who are doing BDSM and you may not know it.

Debby Herbenick, a sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute and author of ‘Sex Made Easy’, says that BDSM is a huge umbrella term for a wide range of activities. “It’s important to understand that there are so many different ways of engaging in BDSM play, from the fuzzy handcuffs you can buy at a women-oriented sex boutique to the more extreme sexual dungeon set-up,” she says. “Even if you are just using one device, like a flogger, there are so many different ways to use it. Some may stroke a partner with it while another person will really whip them with it.”

Nan Wise, a sex therapist and neuroscientist who studies the brain at orgasm, agrees. “Nature loves diversity and society abhors it. There are many, many ways that people are wired for pleasure. We all have unique erotic fingerprints.”

Overall, the science to date, though limited, suggests BDSM is not, as many see it, wrong or dangerous, but rather one of the natural variations found in the complex world of human sexuality.

Basically, BDSM/Kink just means people who enjoy, power play, the combination of pleasure and pain, fetishism, or anything outside what we consider the mainstream idea of sex, done in a safe, consensual, non-abrasive manner and in an erotic context.

Lets try to understand why some folks engage in BDSM/Kink and why now it has become a hot phenomenon. As a matter of fact, the book 50 Shades of Grey has allowed more people to talk about BDSM and it has allowed many couples to explore non-traditional roles of sex. This book has captured the imagination of a huge segment of our society that hasn’t thought about this kind of sex or talked openly about it before. It has give some people a language to talk about sex, ask questions, explore different fantasies and know that those fantasies are okay.

Couples enjoy BDSM/Kink in part because it lets them explore new roles and push their boundaries as far as they want resulting in exhilarating release from the routine. It can also solidify a strong foundation of trust and honesty.

What is interesting about BDSM/Kink lifestyle is that it allows for an exploration into what you are not in your real life. For example a boss, who has to be decisive, strong and in charge, has a chance to explore his other side – to be submissive. BDSM provides this opportunity in relationships, to role-play and explore the very opposite of who they are in real life.

A D&S relationship puts in play a chance for someone to become the dominant in the relationship and explore aspects of themselves that are always dormant in real life. In general women are taught to be passive, to not be pushy, not be aggressive, follow your partner’s lead. This is the message we get as women from society, at what it take to be this feminine being. Therefore role-playing the dominant role in the bedroom for a woman can be quite liberating. It gives the woman an avenue to express a part of herself that isn’t normally nurtured. It’s basically moving away from the social norm of Male – dominate and Female – submissive.

If you think you have little interest in BDSM/Kink yourself, take a closer look at your sex life. Behind closed doors do you tie your husbands wrists against the bed, or tug on hair, bit, scratch, like a bit of erotic spanking and use blindfolds? Got news for you, those are milder ways of expressing desires that eventually lead some people to devote closet room to studded leather, whips and chains and eventually some house space for a dungeon.

Some of us have fetishes that tend to be a focus or an obsession if you like, to the point that that obsession can be the element that you need in order to be aroused or have an orgasm. Examples are foot fetish, shoe fetish, boob fetish, ass fetish, and leather fetish.

For some couples it’s clear early on that they want to explore further in the area of BDSM and for others it a bit tricky to figure out. One way to take off the pressure is to rent or download a movie to introduce you to the subject. Start with ‘The Secretary’ and read ‘50 Shades of Grey’ and soon watch the movie. As you do, point out what turns you on and build from there.

There’s a big misconception that if you’re in BDSM, it’ll become a major part of your life and you’ll move away from regular vanilla sex. It doesn’t have to be; it’ll be part of your sex life but hardly the only part, unless of course you wish it to be more than that.

Erotic power exchange can take any shape or form within a relationship. From little things like blindfolding her when making love to anything like 24hrs a day, 7 days a week servitude. The shape it takes depends on preferences on the couple involved.

BDSM/Kink is always changing, always pushing and always pulling. What makes BDSM different is what it requires; it requires a very sound, honest and sincere relationship, intense and open communication, trust, a lot of mutual understanding, an open mind, lots of love and care and a fair bit of creativity.

Remember that the mantra for BDSM is safe, sane and consensual, with an emphasis on consensual. Therefore to make this a fun part of your sexual exploration, establish some simple rules.

1. Establish a ‘safeword’, that means stop everything.
2. Keep a few things handy, scissors in case you need to get loose quickly.
3. Pay attention, use common sense and move slowly.

The world of BDSM/Kink is still considered taboo and most people keep to themselves, which means anyone around you could be leading a double existence.

Final words on the subject, BDSM/Kink only shows how human sexuality is inherently bizarre and endlessly complex and fun.

Watch Laci Green talk about the subject:

Erotic spanking, according to Mistress Anna, is an art and can be developed with practice and patience. Begin with the basic and evolve at your own pace, add to the mix some toys.

As with any BDSM activity think about safety first. Also, be aware that spanking can bring up emotional or perhaps childhood issues for some people, and if your partner is unaware of the issues, can be a frightening time. Trust and security are two very important pieces of an enjoyable erotic spanking experience. Your partner needs to know they are safe and will not be harmed, and you, the spanker, need to ensure those very things.

Step One – Communicating

So, how do you go about ensuring that you retain all the fun of a sound spanking, while keeping everyone safe? The right approach and techniques, however, are key components for making a good spanking a sexy thing.
Communicating clearly and honestly with your partner is the first step, in any exploration or experimentation with new sexual ideas, and spanking is certainly a topic that will require discussion and honest communication between partners. While you are not in a sexual situation, fantasize with your partner about what you would like to do.

Talk about sexy ideas, and incorporating some sexy erotic spanking into your sexual play. Together, decide your boundaries.

Does s/he want to be spanked to tears?

Is it Over The Knee Spanking, on ‘all fours’, bent over the couch or table?

Does s/he fantasize about being spanked as ‘punishment’ or as pleasure?

Discuss what you will do if one or both of you aren’t crazy about spanking.
For many, the fantasy role-play punishment (an example being) a naughty schoolboy or schoolgirl is a very fun and real way for them to enjoy the eroticism of spanking without feeling guilty.

Step Two – Setting rules

Spanking can be painful, both physically and emotionally. A lot of people love to play with the boundaries of pain, punishment and pleasure, but setting some rules beforehand is essential. In fact, those who enjoy BDSM live by this rule. So discuss your limits. Tell your partner what you’re willing to try. And then tell them what you won’t do. Then listen to get that same information from your partner. Also agree on a safe-word that will bring play to a stop if and when you feel uncomfortable or something is a bit too much.

Step Three – Set the mood

Set the mood before you let loose on your partner’s behind, and arouse them otherwise spanking won’t be erotic just painful. Build it up and use dirty talk as it can set the mood especially if someone is being naughty.

Step Four – Get in on the act

Role-playing might be a fun way to get started; some examples could be master and slave, teacher and student,or any other role play you enjoy.

Step Five – Technique

Spanking techniques can be changed up every so often by varying the shape of the hand, intensity and speed of your strikes. For example, cupping your hand while spanking will usually result in a duller, deeper thud rather than the stinging sensation that usually results from spanking with a flat palm. Alternating between caresses and swats, or firmly grasping the buttocks at the end of each stroke are also great ways to mix it up a bit and tease the senses with alternating soft strokes and harder ones. Later you can start using a paddle and you can choose to use a wooden, leather or silicon paddle. Above all, listen to how your partner responds and reacts to it. You need to get familiar with your partners reactions to know that you are heading in the right direction, maybe push the boundaries a bit more or even slow things down all based on ‘reading’ your partners reactions.

Step six – choosing your implements

Spanking can be exciting, arousing and oh-so-sensual. If a little or a lot of pain is your pleasure of choice, you might want to bend over and give spanking a try.

The next step is to consider what to use for spanking. Costuming, implements and role-play can be erotically used during a fun spanking between partners. Shopping to choose equipment and toys can be just as fun and can add to the intensity of the play scene. There are a wide variety of toys to suit every type of fantasy for curious couples, you just need to get out there and start. You may choose to use your hand, a spanking paddle, and for the more advanced a flogger, ridding crop or whip.

Once you have discussed the fundamentals of your new sexy play, you will be sure to enjoy a very, very Spankalicious time!

Mistress Anna, will educate you through the dos and don’ts of spanking so you can safely and sensually tease and please your lover. She will give you inspiration for sexy new scenarios to help fuel, develop and increase your fantasies and desires.

Meet Mistress Anna at one of the monthly Sugar and Spice parties @ Our Secret Spot club in Darlinghurst.