Open communication is hard, and a lack thereof is the number one biggest killer of relationships. We often want to ‘play it cool’ and not come across as intense when starting a new relationship. We fear scaring potential mates away by becoming too serious too fast. This often means that important questions go unasked, and foundational issues remain undiscussed until years into relationships (and sometimes not at all). Don’t wait until these topics become deal breakers. Put on your big person pants, suck it up and have some difficult conversations early. These are the 10 questions to discuss before you commit to a serious relationship.

Do we want to be monogamous, or will we have an open or ethically non-monogamous relationship?

This needs clarification early. If you decide to be an exclusive, monogamous couple, you need to decide between you what this means, where the boundaries are, what you each consider to be cheating. If you decide together to have an open, polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous relationship, it is doubly important to establish boundaries, have very open communication and define what this means for the both of you.

What does healthy communication look like for you?

How often do you need to see each other/speak to feel happy and healthy in your relationship? Knowing early whether or not your partner is a ‘texter’, or whether they hate phone calls or text based conversations can save a lot of confusion. If you’re forever feeling doubtful because they don’t message you back immediately, you need to ask and discuss between you how much daily communication each of you needs to feel satisfied. If you find that your need for communication is vastly different, you can find a healthy middle ground.

How important is physical touch for you in a relationship?

Physical touch is one of the 5 major love languages. For some, physical touch (not necessarily sex) is an extremely important aspect of a relationship. If this is something that is essential for you, your partner needs to know as early as possible, especially if you then discover they are not big on PDA or have trouble with physical intimacy.

What things will you not compromise on?

Lay out the things that are extremely important and foundational to you. Whether it be your faith, your living arrangements, or your need for certain experiences. If you know straight up that you have some unshakeable needs, your partner needs to be aware of them.

Create a Will/Want/Won’t list for sexual activities.

Remembering that sexuality is a fluid thing, and your notions of what you want may change over time. This is a conversation that should be had fairly often. What form (if any) of birth control/protection will you use? How would you deal with an unexpected pregnancy (for heterosexual couples)?  A will/want/ won’t list allows you to outline the things that you like, are open to and will absolutely not do sexually, which can save you some nasty surprises in the future.

Dr Lindsey Doe outlines this idea perfectly in this video

What are your top priorities?

Are you a workaholic, do you want children? How important is travel to you? A sea of bitterness and resentment can happen later in life and relationships if one of you yearns to see the world, but the other is completely career minded. Would you be happy to travel without each other? Establish if your priorities are aligned or vastly different, and if they are, can you compromise to make it work for you both.

Do our religious/political views clash? Will this be an issue in the future?

Do you have devout faith? Do your religious beliefs affect your dating or relationship in terms of intimacy or boundaries? Do you have similar views on important issues? Can you be accepting, if not understanding of your partner’s ideologies or are you secretly hoping to change their mind? Always remember that stepping into a relationship with the underlying thought of changing something fundamental about your partner, is a recipe for failure.

Do you like/will you tolerate this ‘thing’ that is important to me?

If you are a huge fan of (for example) gaming, theatre, ballet, or a particular sport, but your potential mate would rather punch themselves in the eyes than watch/hear about/tolerate your interest, then perhaps you have an issue. Will their distaste for your passion breed contempt, or can they let you enjoy what you like without interference? Can they learn to have an appreciation for the ‘thing’ that you love, or will they put you down or try to change your mind about it? Having separate interests and passions is extremely important, it is always easier if your partners at least respects, if not enjoys your hobbies and passions.

How important is family to you/ Do you want kids?

Save yourself some potential heartbreak down the line. Kids can be a make or break for some couples. I don’t feel as though this needs a lot of explaining. The desire to have a family should not be sacrificed for the sake of a relationship, if you feel as though becoming a parent is an important milestone for you.

What had caused your previous relationships to fail?

This is for some, a very difficult topic to broach, particularly if you were in the wrong in the past. You don’t need to go into agonising detail about your past failures, but at least addressing the things that became issues in past relationships will help you to determine what you can change to avoid a repeat in the future.

Be brave. Have difficult conversations. Thrive together!

Imagine this: You’re about half an hour into a first date, the conversation has been pretty standard – work, hobbies, family etc. – and then suddenly there’s a lull. That lull stretches on for a definitely-not-comfortable length of time. You start panicking, looking around for something to talk about, then you spot a vacuum cleaner propped up against a wall just inside the bar area. “Oh I really need a new vacuum cleaner,” you say. He looks confused, you feel yourself begin to blush, then the two of you spend the next 10 minutes having a terribly forced conversation about the merits of different vacuum cleaner types and brands.

Yeah, this happened to me a few years ago. Not even kidding. I am the queen of awkward.

When you’re getting to know someone new, these things happen. But trust me when I say that it pays to be prepared.  Because it is mortifying to find yourself waffling on to your date about Dysons versus Hoovers. Fear not! Here are some tips to keep that conversation flowing smoothly:

Don’t Panic
Sounds pretty simple, but when there’s a bit of a break in conversation, try to relax and don’t overreact. I’m sure you’ll find that the ‘awkward silence’ was neither as long nor as awkward as it might feel. Take those couple of seconds to mentally gather yourself and come up with something interesting. Unless your date beats you to it, of course. I had a first date who clearly panicked and filled a pause in convo by asking me how I would kill someone if I had to. I think he was trying to be quirky and admittedly we were just discussing Game of Thrones, but still…

The 6P’s!
Have you heard of the 6P’s? The 6P’s are a super simple concept – Prior planning prevents piss-poor performance. So basically, if you know you’re not a master conversationalist, be sure to ‘plan’ some conversation topics in advance. It isn’t as weird as it might sound and the conversation can still flow naturally without you sounding like you’re reading off of palm cards. Also note: Do not read off palm cards! Just make some mental notes of things you might ask about: any interesting holidays or events coming up, an awesome trip you or they have taken, a good movie or music gig you’ve seen/been to lately, what you like doing in your spare time etc. Once you’re onto a topic, it should flow pretty organically from there.

Not-So-Mutual Interests
If it’s a first date and you met online, you would have – in theory – spent quite some time chatting beforehand. This will give you some topics to work with. Did your date mention an interest in an unusual or fascinating hobby or job that you don’t know a lot about? People are great are talking about themselves, so if you show a genuine interest in something that they’ve mentioned to you, that’ll pave the way to a good chat and you might even learn a thing or two. If it isn’t a first date, you should already have some material to work with.

Have A Laugh
Failing all that, if the silence is stretching on and it is obviously noticeable to both of you, laugh it off! Chances are that your date is just as nervous as you are and is also freaking out about potentially awkward silences. So if it happens, acknowledge it, have a little laugh about it, then move on. You’ll both be more at ease for it.