Open communication is hard, and a lack thereof is the number one biggest killer of relationships. We often want to ‘play it cool’ and not come across as intense when starting a new relationship. We fear scaring potential mates away by becoming too serious too fast. This often means that important questions go unasked, and foundational issues remain undiscussed until years into relationships (and sometimes not at all). Don’t wait until these topics become deal breakers. Put on your big person pants, suck it up and have some difficult conversations early. These are the 10 questions to discuss before you commit to a serious relationship.

Do we want to be monogamous, or will we have an open or ethically non-monogamous relationship?

This needs clarification early. If you decide to be an exclusive, monogamous couple, you need to decide between you what this means, where the boundaries are, what you each consider to be cheating. If you decide together to have an open, polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous relationship, it is doubly important to establish boundaries, have very open communication and define what this means for the both of you.

What does healthy communication look like for you?

How often do you need to see each other/speak to feel happy and healthy in your relationship? Knowing early whether or not your partner is a ‘texter’, or whether they hate phone calls or text based conversations can save a lot of confusion. If you’re forever feeling doubtful because they don’t message you back immediately, you need to ask and discuss between you how much daily communication each of you needs to feel satisfied. If you find that your need for communication is vastly different, you can find a healthy middle ground.

How important is physical touch for you in a relationship?

Physical touch is one of the 5 major love languages. For some, physical touch (not necessarily sex) is an extremely important aspect of a relationship. If this is something that is essential for you, your partner needs to know as early as possible, especially if you then discover they are not big on PDA or have trouble with physical intimacy.

What things will you not compromise on?

Lay out the things that are extremely important and foundational to you. Whether it be your faith, your living arrangements, or your need for certain experiences. If you know straight up that you have some unshakeable needs, your partner needs to be aware of them.

Create a Will/Want/Won’t list for sexual activities.

Remembering that sexuality is a fluid thing, and your notions of what you want may change over time. This is a conversation that should be had fairly often. What form (if any) of birth control/protection will you use? How would you deal with an unexpected pregnancy (for heterosexual couples)?  A will/want/ won’t list allows you to outline the things that you like, are open to and will absolutely not do sexually, which can save you some nasty surprises in the future.

Dr Lindsey Doe outlines this idea perfectly in this video

What are your top priorities?

Are you a workaholic, do you want children? How important is travel to you? A sea of bitterness and resentment can happen later in life and relationships if one of you yearns to see the world, but the other is completely career minded. Would you be happy to travel without each other? Establish if your priorities are aligned or vastly different, and if they are, can you compromise to make it work for you both.

Do our religious/political views clash? Will this be an issue in the future?

Do you have devout faith? Do your religious beliefs affect your dating or relationship in terms of intimacy or boundaries? Do you have similar views on important issues? Can you be accepting, if not understanding of your partner’s ideologies or are you secretly hoping to change their mind? Always remember that stepping into a relationship with the underlying thought of changing something fundamental about your partner, is a recipe for failure.

Do you like/will you tolerate this ‘thing’ that is important to me?

If you are a huge fan of (for example) gaming, theatre, ballet, or a particular sport, but your potential mate would rather punch themselves in the eyes than watch/hear about/tolerate your interest, then perhaps you have an issue. Will their distaste for your passion breed contempt, or can they let you enjoy what you like without interference? Can they learn to have an appreciation for the ‘thing’ that you love, or will they put you down or try to change your mind about it? Having separate interests and passions is extremely important, it is always easier if your partners at least respects, if not enjoys your hobbies and passions.

How important is family to you/ Do you want kids?

Save yourself some potential heartbreak down the line. Kids can be a make or break for some couples. I don’t feel as though this needs a lot of explaining. The desire to have a family should not be sacrificed for the sake of a relationship, if you feel as though becoming a parent is an important milestone for you.

What had caused your previous relationships to fail?

This is for some, a very difficult topic to broach, particularly if you were in the wrong in the past. You don’t need to go into agonising detail about your past failures, but at least addressing the things that became issues in past relationships will help you to determine what you can change to avoid a repeat in the future.

Be brave. Have difficult conversations. Thrive together!

My first party experience was quite a while ago but its memory is fresh as though it just happened last weekend. I remember feeling excited and terrified all at once and spending the night paralyzed on a couch that was against the wall, watching and absorbing my surroundings.

Embarrassing as it may seem the reason for my inability to move away from that wretched couch was that my mind was blown away with what it saw and my body was unable to move as there were no precedents to guide me through what I should do.

It was the best and the worse night, best because it was the beginning of my journey of my sexual discovery, and the worse because I wish I’d use that night to enjoy myself. The reason behind writing this little piece is to save you this same fate and give you a head start.

My husband and I, being sexually adventurous had discussed venturing into the world of ‘swingers’ and swingers parties but had no idea how to approach it and no knowledge of the rules to survive any adult party. To make matters worse there was nothing to fall back on; no articles and no one we knew who we could freely ask questions. Being brave, we walked in and if things got weird we decided we’d just walk back out, hopefully still in one piece – naïve.

So often we try to play it down but it is a big deal taking this step into an open relationship and go to an adult party, walking away from the fear and guilt that society instills in us.

To dispel any fears, delusions or even panic or paralysis (chuckle), I thought it might be an idea to write some tips and rules you absolutely need in order to survive an adult party and you can thank me later.

Rule#1 Look the best you can (hot)

Party goers don’t have to be Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (we wouldn’t complain if they were) but they must show that they look after themselves, good physic, good hygiene; the short of that, scrub up well. Goers generally are couples, singles ladies and a few selected single men who are presentable and have great people skills. Guests are willing participants who enjoy sex and aren’t afraid to explore their sexuality.

Rule#2 Expect things will get steamy

When you first step into the party venue it’ll feel like any other swanky cocktail party. Pretty, sexy women and suave men sipping champagne, vodka or whiskey on the rocks, chatting away in groups, while a reel of porn plays on the flat screen TV on the back wall. That’s when you start to feel the underlining intent.

Rule#3 Let your inhibitions go, because people are about to get down and dirty

Some parties are themed but at the bare minimum sexy or very sexy is the general requirement. If you are a first timer you might quiver in fear and in excitement and if you have been there often you’re excitement heightens as signs of opening of the naughty games start to unveil. There are some ‘playrooms’ for those who got winded up early and sex begins. Let go, don’t think about it, and enjoy the party for what it is: a gathering of likeminded people who share the same interests.

Rule#4 You have to be naked in the playroom

Whist the rule is naked if in the playroom, you’ll find that not everybody’s ‘pleasure’ revolves around being in the playroom. There are diverse sexual fantasies at play in these parties. Standing, peeking in are the obvious voyeurs who wait all week for this type of opportunity to get their juices going.

As a warm up when all parties are happy, women playfully kiss each other and the men get warmed up with the show right in front of their eyes. Others have an appetite for the single men – the more the better. Some women enjoy a lot of attention and what better than RedHotPie Parties!
Whether it’s your first time or your one-hundredth time, it’s important to stay grounded and in touch with yourself as thing happen at the parties, and trust your instincts.

Rule#5 Know your boundaries

Keep in mind that your boundaries are important and if you are not ready to try something new just say no this time or until the time you are ready. It’s also worth remembering that boundaries change and it is ok to re-evaluate them from time to time.

Boundaries should be discussed among couples but you’ll quickly learn that people feel excited and more alive when they stretch their boundaries and grow from the experience. It doesn’t have to be a big leap even small ones can create these feelings. This is the fundamental of these parties, an opportunity to grow sexually alone or with a partner. Parties are a chance for self-exploration

Rule#6 Women run the show

Every night is ladies nights, sorry guys. Women call all the shots. Participants can have sex with their partners, swap, or hunker down a bag of popcorn and enjoy the show. Anything goes, as long as everybody involved is in agreement.

Rule#7 It’s Hot!!

It’s definitely hot. Just let go and don’t think about it, enjoy the party for what it is –SEX PARTY – a gathering of like-minded people who share the same interests – sex, lots of sex and variety sex.

Rule#8 Get Involved

While you could choose to just watch, it’s way more fun when you get involved.

Rule #9 Don’t Hesitate

There is so much fun to be had. Even if you decide to stick to one-on-one encounter once you turn around you’ll have an amazing show of naked bodies busy with all kinds of position and sex – who needs porn!!

Rule# 10 Move on & out

Once you get that point where you’ve seen all the sex you can see for one night. The magic of the evening is starting to wear off then is time to take a break, have a drink or just pack up and leave.

Overall parties are and should be a sex-positive place where likeminded people explore together and where there is someone out there to suit your particular needs and tastes to your sexual discovery. These parties provide the platform for people to try things, to intentionally test and bend their personal boundaries, slowly or not, as long as no one is getting hurt and everyone is taking the relevant precautions. Then we’ll just let everyone get on with getting it on.

Feel like adding your own tips; feel free to enrich our experience of the parties and RHP. If there are any funny stories of your first-time party please share….

What do people really want for 2014? To find out we ran a poll ‘What do you want more of this year?’and it comes as no surprise that what the vast majority of us, 63% to be exact, want more of is – sex.

Nicely done! Sex is good for your health, counts as a decent exercise, and is also one of the most fun stress relievers. The latest scientific research also claims that sex makes you smarter too. Wanting more sex as it turns out is and should be everyone’s new year’s resolution this year.

Unlike any other new year’s resolution this one is easy to adhere to and designed to improve your health and life in the best possible way.

This is your year for love and sex, so let’s revamp our love and sex lives.

What can we do then to improve things between the sheets? How can you kick start your sex life and learn a few things in the process. The strategy? Well, keep it simple.

• Figure out where to push the boundaries.

• Do something different.

• Improve on good sex and make it great sex.

BOUNDARIES:

Go slowly don’t go overboard too quickly. Talk about your desires openly and then make decisions based on the conversations. Through open and honest communication you’ll find things that turn you both on. Take small steps to start with and have sex that is about the both of you.

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT:

Exploring turn-ons will probably lead to a variety of sexual activities that never made it from imagination or fantasy to the bedroom. Bring some of them to life this year. Some things will stick and others vanish quickly but trying and playing around with sex will strengthen your relationship.

Don’t be afraid to talk dirty – use crude language in between the sheets- it creates an honest sexual energy. Bottom line the focus is on reigniting the sensuality and playfulness as a way to reconnect, a way for both of you to be the top of each other’s list.So whether it’s buying sex toys, heading to a swingers club, doing it in a park, in the back of your car, or just organising regular sex dates, the point is make it fresh.

IMPROVE ON SEX:

Now back to the question – how to get to have more sex? Sometimes the answer is pretty simple and uncomplicated.

Talk more about sex specifically about the kind of sex you want to have. Talking is the greatest aphrodisiac for a woman because it establishes a bond of sharing and therefore intimacy. Try sharing your fantasies with her during a nonsexual time where she won’t feel the pressure to perform right away and slowly breaking her barriers.

Take something that works and improve on it so that the experience is exquisitely rewarding and a lot more fun. Improve your sex routine and use continuous caressing, kissing and breast play throughout sex, because women’s mouth and neck are the third most erogenous zones on her body. So pay attention to these spots during sex.

Sex is by definition ‘adult play’ and therefore should be fun and for that a sense of humor is an essential ingredient in great sex. Laugh, play and experiment with sex and there is no way of getting it wrong.

Novelty is good for sex; try being unpredictable from time to time. Change the place you usually have sex from your bedroom to the kitchen bench. Go for a ride and park by the side of an isolated beach, take a walk on the beach and ravage each other in the moonlight.

Use this year to try new maneuvers in bed to vary from the old missionary and doggy positions.

Get some sex toys and try them out on each other. Why not get a bit kinky? Get some rope; blindfolds and maybe some whips and who knows you might find a natural incline to BDSM.

Try out some role-plays and dress up for the part and take turns in domination. Finally, if time and finance permits go on a sex vacation.

Step outside your comfort zone and improve on what probably is already a fantastic sex life making this year a sexually rewarding year that will last for years to come.

What do you want more of this year? Is it more sex? How are you then going to improve your chances for more sex this year?