bedroom – Dating Insider

Sex Lives of Australian Women – RHP interview

RedHotPie Editor — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 16:13:01 +0000

Well to say Joan Sauers new book contains some explosive revelations about Australian women and their habits between the sheets would be an understatement and then some. Based on the findings of an extensive online poll, Sauer’s new book Sex Lives of Australian Women is a compelling read; a book you simply cannot put down. The statistics are amazing, the insights surprising and the commonality that runs through us all, comforting.

RedHotPie took some time with author Joan Sauers to ask her a few questions about the book, the answers contained within and state of modern romance and sexuality.

When carrying out research for Sex Lives of Australian Women what responses surprised you the most?

That 57% of women fantasise about sex with other women even though only 12% identified as lesbian or bisexual.

Also, that some women still don’t realise that it’s wrong and illegal for their husbands or partners to force them to have sex.

What inspired you to carry out the research and ultimately write the book?

After writing THE SEX LIVES OF AUSTRALIAN TEENAGERS last year, my girlfriends begged me to post a survey online so they could unleash their deepest, darkest secrets, and also find out what other women get up to. But also, I’ve always been fascinated by human relationships and issues of intimacy, and I can’t imagine anything more interesting!

What did you learn from the research and producing the book?

That the one thing that most characterizes women and their sexuality is diversity. There is no such thing as ‘normal’, and we are much more varied and complicated creatures than most of us imagine.

How do you feel women’s attitudes towards sex and intimacy has changed over the years? Why did these changes occur?

Most women have always loved sex and they crave pleasure and emotional intimacy, but the way they find it has changed. Technology has revolutionized our experience of sex, with one-out-of-five of us starring in our own sex tape, and many of us engaging in chat room sex (even women in their 50s!)

But with the advent of easily accessible porn, both women and men are getting unrealistic and negative expectations of what sex is about, and we have a whole new set of body image issues to make us feel insecure. We used to suffer in comparison to supermodels, but now we worry about not having boobs as big as porn stars, and we assume we will only be attractive with a Brazilian and some anal bleaching. This is one of the sad aspects of our 21st century sexual experience.

Why do you think there has been a shift in sexual relations?

I’m not sure what you mean, but technology and lifestyle have changed the way we live. However, most of us still want a stable relationship with one other person, full of satisfying, regular sex. So I don’t think things have really changed fundamentally.

How do you think women can go about reclaiming their sexual elegance?

By dressing for themselves and not necessarily for men. We should wear what makes us feel beautiful and not just ‘hot’. We should leave something to the imagination and not let our boobs hang out and our arse crack show. We should look at the way women walk, dress and act whom we respect but who are also sexy. We should think about our own pleasure and not just our partner’s. And we should think more about how we FEEL in bed than how we LOOK.

Commentary in the media would have us believe that women are either porn-stars or prudent princesses. Is there always going to be two distinct schools of thought about female sex and sexuality?

The media polarizes these images but in reality, most of us are an intricate blend of different aspects of sexuality. In the media but much more importantly, in our relationships and in the way we see ourselves, we should transcend these clichés of princess and porn star, and create our own individual brand of sexuality that accommodates every part of ourselves.

What are your thoughts about the “revolutionary” television shows like Sex & the City, Lipstick Jungle etc and literature like He’s Just Not That Into You? What do you think they have contributed to the wider dialogue of modern sexual relations?

In particular, I think SEX AND THE CITY was a fantastic depiction of sexuality within the broader realm of society and relationships. And the honesty with which it explored everything from ‘up-the-butt’ to funky spunk was incredibly refreshing. And the four women represented an interesting and provocative variety of female sexual proclivities. It got a lot of us talking about things we never spoke about before, which has to have been a good thing.

Some of the other series have been less well-conceived and shallower. They have less emotional resonance and of course, they haven’t really showed us anything new.

What are your thoughts on the cyber-sexual revolution?

It has its good aspects and its bad aspects. For some, cyber-sex is fun and liberating, and a great way to stay close to loved-ones overseas or make new friends. Others can feel empty after their experiences or used. Like anything, it depends on the individual.

From your years of social research and responses from the forum, what are your thoughts on swinging and online liaisons?

Many respondents have a fantastic time swinging, but for some, jealousy is something that can ruin the experience. Often couples have a certain expectation before they try it and are disappointed when often just one of them feels left out or angry at the attention the other one is getting. We’re only human!

Online liaisons can be great and satisfying or they can be difficult or destructive. In that sense they are no different from ‘real life’ connections. But the anonymity that online liaisons offer can be especially liberating and exciting. As one woman who answered my survey said, in every way it is the ultimate safe sex.

Are we setting a good example for the women of tomorrow? Do you think women in 20-years time will still be discussing and dissecting the same issues as women today?

I think we have taken two steps forward and two steps back. We have progressed in many ways, but too many women still don’t own their sexuality, and they forget about their own pleasure. Even in loving relationships, women can feel like they owe something to their partner even if they don’t feel like giving it. And too many women are still faking orgasms! Hopefully in twenty years we will be more open with each other and will feel more comfortable communicating about what makes each other happy.

To celebrate the release of such an honest and entertaining read, RedHotPie in association with Random House is giving you the chance to win one of 5 copies of Sex Lives of Australian Women

For your chance to win,

Dirrrty Valentine Talk

RedHotPie Editor — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Ooh baby, you’re making me so hot… Give the sappy ramblings of Hallmark the flick this Valentine’s Day and add some dirrrty talk into your romantic romping. Whispering sexy sweet nothings into your partner’s ear will produce a cheeky melody of love that gives any Barry White CD a run for its money to help get you in the mood.

Chances are you like talking dirty as much as your partner does but if you’re yet to unleash this side of delicious tongue waggling into an already saucy routine then loosen up that mouth of yours as this is a great way to heat things up under the sheets.

First thing to do is lower your voice – think soft, sultry and sexy pillow talk, not loud hyena like howls – they can be saved for later when the nasty talk and whatever follows takes you over the edge. The idea is to create a mood for sensuality not just randy sex. “I like it when my boyfriend lowers his voice and speaks all breathy like, I call it his bedroom voice – you know kind of like bedroom eyes – I know it means he’s in the mood for a really hot time – no vanilla sex in sight,” says Krystal.

And so what do you say to each other? “Dirty talk doesn’t mean using fowl language or talking like a porn star. It’s about talking about the sexual experience you’re both sharing,” explains a female RedHotPie member. “Start off by just expressing what feels good and why and as you both learn to communicate you’ll find that your inhibitions go and your well on the way to being a smut talker.”

Simply put, just mention what you want him to do to you or what you want to do to her or what you think other people might be doing to each other. Dirty talk is all about saying heated things, sexy heated things, in the moment, so it’s best to let your instincts carry you. If you think your partner is hot then tell it how it is; “You are so hot!” If you feel they make your bits quiver then tell them; “Your touch makes my cock/pussy quiver.” If you’re very hard or wet; just say so; “I’m so hard/wet right now.”

Once you’ve gotten hold of the basics you can intensify the linguistic gymnastics. Add some metaphors and get really imaginative. “I make my dirty talk a bit more creative because the whole; ‘Oh you’re such a naughty boy’ gets a little boring after a while. So I mix it up with things like talking about a fantasy or explaining in really long detail just exactly what I’m going to do with him, so it’s kind of like a teasing strategy. I say things like, ‘I’m going to take my tongue and slowly slide down your body and then I’m going to grab your balls and put them in my mouth sucking them while I put my hand around your huge hard dick…’ things like that. By the time I’m done, he can’t wait to get in me,” says Louise.

Another turn on for many when it comes to the language of lovin’ is cursing which adds a more aggressive punch to your descriptions. “My partner is really softly spoken and can be shy but when we’re having sex they go crazy with swearing and it’s a completely different side to what I normally see. It’s so hot when you hear things like ‘Fucking bang me harder’ and ‘Shit, I’m coming’ when you’re right in the heat of the moment,” says Ben.

Another male RedHotPie member commented on a recent forum post that this tactic works well. “On rare occasions I have met women who, even though there is also respect and love, like to be taken as a sexual object at times. They love whatever comes out of my mouth when I’m not trying to be politically and socially correct. [For example] ‘Get over here bitch!… I’m gonna fuck you so fucking hard…” When things get really nasty, turn up the volume and give your neighbours something to complain about.

So how can you be great at dirty talk? A female RedHotPie member says that being honest has a lot to do with taking pillow talk from the sweet to the sexy. “They were honest [and that made it good],” she says of her experience with someone who was particularly good at dirty talk. “They talked about what felt good and why, which bolstered my self esteem to be more adventurous in the bedroom. And when I returned the favour they would embellish on what I was saying so it became a shared conversation of smut and sex. Having your conversation and mind fully focused on what you are doing and why intensifies the experience of sex itself… Am I turning you on yet?”

How do you make the language of love hot and steamy? Has anyone ever said something to you that was irresistible? And are there any words or phrases that should be avoided?