If you’ve ever been one of those people who has despaired at a Valentine’s gift, or wondered what it really meant, spare a thought for the Roman women back when Valentines first began. The blokes would gather around, slaughter a poor little goat and strip its skin to make mini whips. They would then proceed to dip the skins in the goat’s blood and run through the streets slapping women on the ass with the gory mess. Hence branding the lucky woman officially cute and fertile.

Sadly due to organisations like PETA and the RSPCA the Aussie bloke no longer has this time honoured option to show the woman of his dreams just how much he adores her. Instead he is left with a problem. Do I offer flowers, fat and fornication in the form of the bog standard of bouquets, chocolates and lingerie or do I step up to the challenge, gird my goat skins and slap away with a creation straight from my heart, not literally of course. After all what does a gift from a Valentine really mean anyway? Is it simply a way to appease the gods and goddesses of commercialism or do we actually put more thought into them than you or the person giving it may even realise?

In a survey women came out on top as buying 85% of the Valentines Day purchases which means there is either an awful lot of chicks with girly crushes or broken hearts, either way men need to pick up their ‘giving’ game. The problem is ‘giving’ is not something men are very good at doing unless it comes to sex and advice. I’m not saying men are not generous or thoughtful I’m simply saying they often have a really, really, really hard time figuring out what the hell to give, hence the repetitive cliché gifts every girl has had thrust down her throat year after year since she was old enough to understand the double entendre of this sentence.

But if men have a problem choosing, women seem to have a hard time telling if he meant it or not. Shiny big things may say I love you to a girl but they also say ‘look over here’ as they boggle & distract to what’s really going on. So let’s straighten things out this year in the interest of ensuring we do in fact have a ‘happy’ Valentine’s Day.

The Gifts

Flowers
Unless there is LOTS of them this really doesn’t say much about the person giving them. If they were hand picked with a hand drawn note it may be cuter but you might also want to check their ID. Flowers can be beautiful and there are places you can get really novel and thoughtful bouquets, but a $10 bunch from a servo really doesn’t cut it no matter how rose tinted your glasses are.

Lingerie
If you are the type of person who never wears lingerie receiving it is more of a cry for help from your Valentine. White means could you try and be sexier please, red means could you try and be dirty please and black means could you just wear something other than your PJs to bed this year please. Undies are not something women should bother to get for men as they will inevitably think you are just silently whinging about the state of the ones they already have, they have at least another 20 years left in ‘em!

Chocolates
As true as it is that chocolate works on various feel good chemicals in the brain, getting cocoa creative is a little hard these days. Chocolate body sauce is a less than subtle option and you might not want to try it if you are an unrequited secret admirer. AVO’s are a bitch.

Guys generally have little time for chocolates and in fact the ones we surveyed said it was the ‘can’t be bothered’ gift of choice both to receive and give. At least with flowers you have to make an effort to keep them alive. With choccies it’s just a matter of not squashing them or scoffing them before they get the wrapping off, which sounds more like teenage sex. So if you intend to give chocolates only do so as an additional sweetener.

Sex Toys
All Valentine’s gifts are basically sex toys right! Let’s be honest about this. The idea of Valentine’s Day is to woo your lover romantically, so naughty sex toys are just the unsubtle way of doing just that. There are however some great sex bits and pieces you can get for V day. The little ‘cheques’ that allow a massage or a hand job, the oils and lotions and ticklers and twiddlers and what have you. At least you know exactly what your valentine wants, be grateful for that.

Beauty/Perfume
This is always a fun way to see how much attention to your likes and dislikes your Valentine has been paying over the relationship. Beauty or perfume products can be quite a classy, thoughtful gift but can also stink literally and figuratively if cheap or wrong. Everyone knows it doesn’t take rocket science to wander into a two dollar shop and grab a pretty box so get it right guys or pay the price.

The Givers

The Secret Admirer
We all love the secret admirer’s gift regardless of what it is. And here lies an interesting point. Is the gift actually the thing we unwrap, or the excitement of secret attraction? Of course admirers come in various flavours from the secret stalker sending you locks of your own hair lifted from the floor of your local hairdressers, to that ‘I’m loaded, look at me’ bunch of flowers marched passed your scowling colleagues and delivered on the hour every hour to your place of work. Either way it’s fun.

The Booty Call
Everyone loves a booty call and for the singles out there it can be a time to drop a text and a ‘thank you’ for putting up with your drunk dialling, 4am, horny ass. A box of choccies (preferably shaped like something rude), bottle of perfume (not cheap but not expensive) or bottle of wine for later will usually say; ‘I appreciate you, lets do it all again sometime’. Stop short of flowers simply because this can lead to thoughts you may not want to encourage. Of course the booty call can send a bunch of flowers if it’s to a couple with a cheeky note, but tongue in cheek and fun is the ‘de regur’ for all gifts and pressies here.

The Desperately in Love – Unrequited
For the lovelorn on Valentines Day it is particularly painful and hard to not look like a stalker. I remember covering my lounge (because she had confiscated my key to her place) in teddy bears and blow up love hearts with a giant card and trying to coax her to visit me and see my ‘love art’ display… Ok that’s enough of my humiliation lets look at yours. The best way for the unrequited to say ‘I love you’ is to do little more than send a cute text; ‘Have a great day sexy, luv ya’ kinda thing. Remember ‘luv ya’ does NOT mean ‘I love you’ so with any luck your casual devil may care, attitude at such a time will spark at least cautious curiosity. Of course if it does and they text you back, don’t blow your cover and send over the entire fleet of Roses Only trucks while you ball your eyes out on the phone swearing eternal devotion. Less is more.

The Desperately in Love – Requited
Here is the real deal. The people who look into each other’s eyes and mean it. I won’t need to tell them what gifts to chose or what to do because they will have spent since last Valentine’s Day thinking up something even more romantic to impress you with this year.

So if you find yourself diving out of a plane sipping champagne with a violinist free falling next to you, you know this person cares. At least about making an impression. Remember ladies as I mentioned before when it comes to true love a guy can desperately adore you and be totally hurt that you didn’t think a new chainsaw and Playstation controller was a good gift. See the chainsaw was to trim the tree you met under so it would grow stronger like your love and the controller was to entertain himself while he let you have the big TV to watch your favourite show with your girlfriends every Thursday – now that’s love – DON’T miss the signs!!!

The Serious Casual
These are the most under pressure people this time of year. Couples who are not ‘forever’ serious but not ‘booty call’ casual either. They are some of the least committed and yet expected to give the most. These ladies particularly, want the earth and for a very good reason!! After all they are the ones that have to go to work and compare stories with their gal pals, so an all expense holiday to Bali, flowers and plush dinner compensate for a lot of sins throughout the year. The beauty of the serious/casual Valentine is that it is all about overcompensation. You can have fun through the year and still be forgiven regardless. Of course Men are as happy with this arrangement as women and cheaters, workaholics, playboys & sugar daddies love it most. Just remember size matters despite what she says later in bed!

The ‘I’m Going to Make the Next Step’
Valentines is a day many people like to take the next step, so how do you know if your partner is going to or not? The Valentine who goes out of his or her way to do something extra thoughtful (not big and expensive) just really tailored to you is a very good sign there is more on the horizon. Multiple little thoughtful things from the person with less cash flow is equally as romantic. Of course best of all is the ring. But ladies if you have been asking for it, our survey suggest it loses 50% of its sincerity. Something to remember for any over enthusiastic would be brides out there.

The Appeasement
Let’s be honest from a guy’s point of view most Valentine gift giving is simply appeasement. Yes, there I have said it! That’s ok though because the ladies have been appeasing and putting up with the fellas all year so I’m not adverse to guys being forced to think outside their day to day and consider who around them they want to make smile.

Whatever you get this Valentine’s Day it was for a purpose and took at least a thought to generate. It may not be the romantic declaration you had hoped for but it may be a heartfelt effort none the less and let’s face it; anything has to be better than a slap on the ass with a blood soaked goat’s coat.