An estimated fifteen million strong worldwide, swingers are everywhere—a huge community that inches closer to the mainstream each and every day, whose erotic pastime remains a mystery to many. In Swingland, Daniel Stern outs himself and the sexy society he loves, recounting his transformation from a bumbling neophyte terrified of all things carnal into a veteran sexual adventurer.

RedHotPie recently sat down with Stern to discuss his new book, Swingland and the adventures that lead him to write it.

RedHotPie – Some of the stories in the book sound pretty incredible… were there any stories that were just too much to include?

Daniel Stern – No stories were “too much,” per se, but a couple moments were a tad graphic for inclusion. The main reason stories didn’t make the cut was that they didn’t complement my personal journey of sexual improvement. As I’m sure most can relate, not every sexual experience is an epiphany. Some are just fun times. There was one funny story that I was disappointed didn’t make the final manuscript that had to do with a Halloween hotel party. I dressed as superman and not until I arrived did I realize it was a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) party. Being 5’7″ on a low-gravity day, I’m not generally compatible physically with larger women. However, I gave it a go, made friends with most of the guests, and even played a little. At one point I was half in my superman costume while playing with a wife when she screamed, “fuck me, superman!” it gave me a little ego boost, which was nice.

Can you describe the first encounter you would describe as “swinging”… were you nervous?

First off, anyone who says they aren’t nervous in the Lifestyle is lying. So much at stake and so much judging going on, it’s impossible not to be. As for my first “swinging” experience, that would have been with the Italian couple about whom I write in my book. The experience was awkward in that the husband didn’t speak any English and the wife was decent at best, so communication ebbed and flowed. However, we got on well enough and got a hotel room. The awkwardness continue when the wife went to freshen up in the bathroom and I was left in the main room with hubby who kept his attention focused on flipping channels on the television. We played and enjoyed ourselves, then went our separate ways. I’m glad I did it, as it set me off on a great trajectory of experiences, but when the communication in inhibited, for whatever reasons, the experience can’t help but be stunted to some degree.

What was your opinion of swinging before you got into the lifestyle?

Honestly, I doubted it existed. I mean, sure, the occasional couple might engage in an atypical sexual situation every now and again (adult movies propagate that scenario). But that there exists a well-populated, lively, and highly active global community to the recreation? No doubt, I would have said you were lying.

What are the main misconceptions about the lifestyle in mainstream society in 2013?

Those swingers are sexual miscreants looking to have sex with anything with a pulse. The fact is, swingers have criteria for those with whom they will play. Just like anybody else does. And for whatever reason, whenever people consider sexual scenarios outside the norm, they consider them amoral. I understand the influences and the beliefs that make people think that, but I don’t agree with them. Another misconception is that swinging is a myth (I was guilty of believing this). Odds are that even the most straight-laced, vanilla person knows a swinger; s/he just doesn’t know that person is one. The Lifestyle is happening everywhere–next door, the hotel room across the hall, the club down the street–and it isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. In fact, I post that it’s expanding, thanks to the floodgates thrown open by the digital age. The reality is that teachers and police and business executives and people you know are involved.

Often lifestylers enjoy their anonymity, have you received any feedback from people who may have inspired parts of the book?

I have. In fact, I told most of the lifestylers who made the final cut that I was writing a book well before the book was in print. Each of them responded the same: “am I in it?” they’d ask, super excited, wanting to be included. If their story made it, I’d let them choose their pseudonym. I really wanted everyone to feel part of the book since, without their participation, I couldn’t have written it. So, yeah, the response has all been extremely positive and supportive…thankfully.

Do you think monogamy will ever be challenged as the dominant relationship model in western culture?

No. Certain species are genetically hardwired for monogamy–humans being one of them. And that’s not bad. Commitment can be a beautiful thing. In fact, an argument can be made that most swingers ARE monogamous the vast majority of the time. They swing only to “spice up” their committed relationship. Which, in my opinion, is the only mindset one can have to swing long-term. The Lifestyle doesn’t save relationships; it only accentuates them. So, I can’t see a future where monogamy will fall out of first place as the chosen type of relationship between humans.

Did swinging improve your confidence, sexual prowess or social skills in general?

All of the above. That was the goal of my quest. I wanted to be better (much better) at sex. I didn’t specifically seek out the Lifestyle. Through a series of fortunate events, I learned that the Lifestyle existed and spent a long time fighting to be let in. through all the experiences, I slayed that personal dragon of sub-par sexual ability, which in turn lifted my confidence.

Are their any dominant physical or emotional characteristics in the swinging scene or is it a healthy cross section of society?

Those who last in the Lifestyle share a communal palette of atypical sexual predilections which creates a highly non-judgmental, tolerant environment. I’m not claiming the atmosphere is free of all judgment–not by a long shot–but I have found it to be far less than non-swinging society. People come to the Lifestyle to freely experience their sexual desires. They don’t want to be judged because of them, so they refrain (for the most part) from judging others. As far as physically, it runs the entire spectrum of types. Just because the Lifestyle exists to facilitate sexual experiences doesn’t mean it is some select organization populated by only the most physically beautiful. Like every subculture, the Lifestyle attracts all physical types. And it’s this variety that helps give the Lifestyle originality.

What are the right reasons to get into swinging?

I can’t possibly claim to know all the right reasons, but a few are to add spice to a relationship, to experience certain scenarios, to explore sexually. I find, though, that’s it’s more important to be aware of the wrong reasons. The Lifestyle shouldn’t be turned to in hopes of saving a troubled relationship (it accentuates; it doesn’t save). The Lifestyle shouldn’t be seen as a sexual ATM (the Lifestyle is about sex, but sex isn’t ALL the Lifestyle is about). And the Lifestyle shouldn’t be seen as the defining characteristic of one’s personality (it is a facet, not one’s identity).

Are you in a relationship at the moment, and if so could you describe what kind of relationship it is?

I am not currently in a relationship. But I am easing back into dating, though, it’s hard. Once you’ve raised the stimulation bar (in my case, considerably so), it’s difficult to rein it back. To go from sex as a given on the first date to it being a big question mark takes some getting used to. When I started in the Lifestyle, I was gung-ho to leave the vanilla-dating scene behind. At the time, dating ranked right under a colonoscopy as a desirable experience. But, having gone through all the Lifestyle experiences I have–and having gotten to know all the loving couples that make up the bedrock of this way of life–I am much more open to a relationship. Who knows? Perhaps there’s a sequel to Swingland in that process…

Thanks to RedHotPie and Nero Publishers, you can win one of three copies of Swingland… check out the comp HERE.

Swingland by Daniel Stern is published by Nero and on sale HERE.