Christmas comes but once a year, which of course proves it’s not a member of Red Hot Pie; so we thought we’d stuff your stocking with a couple of essentials chestnuts of wisdom to make you, your Christmas and anyone else you get your hands on during this period, go off with a bang!

I must admit that if there is one good thing that can be said about this time of year…aside of course from the free booze, presents, holidays, Xmas pudding, days off work, sunshine, pretty lights and a get out of jail free card for ‘silly’ behaviour, it’s that everyone is in a particularly good mood, except of course for the scrooges.

But weird, old, grumpy, rich guy fetishes aside, at Christmas time the door is wide open for us to step out, fully committed to making a complete fool of ourselves in love, lust or any other satisfyingly sticky, ule tide union that tickles our fancy… so let’s take a look at a few opportune areas.

Holiday Hanky Panky

Madonna understood the value of some good old fashioned Xmas Hanky Panky. I seem to remember she liked hers with a good spanky but that, of course, is not a pre requisite.

What is however a pre requisite is the ability not to chicken out at the first sign of nerves.

Decision – to experience a desire

Desire – to look out for an opportunity

Opportunity – to take action, followed by spontaneous burst of alcohol fuelled enthusiasm

Action – to make contact, followed by spontaneous burst of abject terror

Result –

1) Wake up with a silly grin on your face, a party hat on and a stranger in your bed

2) Wake up the same as yesterday but twice as depressed!

Fighting the urge to chicken out is all about becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable. There is absolutely no point in being coy. From moment one, when the urge leads to the eventual re application of underwear, lipstick and your dignity – Carpe Diem is the de regur.

But pretentious foreign phrases aside how does lil ol’ you, all bashful and shy, pluck up the courage to instigate such a liaison or avoid those uncomfortable moments that make you wish you had stayed home to watch the Queen’s speech?

The answer is to actually take yourself and the event a whole lot less seriously. Awkward and uncomfortable can easily dissolve into relaxed and rootable with a little levity and a laugh.

Now I’m not suggesting you become Eddie Murphy or Jim Carrey this Christmas, but trying to be cool and think of interesting things to say is hard work and usually makes things worse, so a little preparation can go a long way.

As a great comedian once said, the best spontaneous moments are the ones you have rehearsed three times. So here is how to thaw your thoughts and untangle your tongue when the nerves kick in and the spontaneity has turned to cheddar cheese.

Take a deep breath and draw attention to your discomfort. Yes, point out how crap you are at chatting them up and how you know it. We love it when people can laugh at themselves because it simply shows that they are unpretentious and real. And that is after all, what we want in a partner. Right!

We all have an easy going wit in us when we talk to our friends but it seems to elude us when we are standing in front of a prospective date! Just remember 90% of the time the person you are torturing feels like the discomfort is their fault too, so sharing this joke can break the tension and help get down to the business of bonding.

Even major faux pas and lack of anything to say at all can be made to look cute or endearing especially at Christmas with a comment like “Wow how much do I suck at this chatting up thing” or “Ok, I have an admission to make, I suck at thinking up cool, interesting things to say, so rather than me dying from embarrassment every time I open my mouth how about we make it fun. I buy a round every time I say something stupid, hopefully we’ll both get drunk, and then no one will notice I’m not George Clooney”

This kind of attitude works in every scenario from the beginning of a date to the uncomfortable and sheepish morning after. Why sit there and cringe? It’s a pointless waste of a perfectly fun experience. Take a deep breath, conjure up the naughty side that got you there in the first place and take the piss out of you, the situation and how you feel at that moment.

WARNING this invitation to make merry with the mirth does NOT extend to satirical observations about them, even if they bring it up first. There is a reason it’s called SELF deprecation!!

1) Do milk the mood for all its worth

2) Do ask out that ‘dare date’, it might just be your lucky day

3) Do practice thinking up things to say when you are uncomfortable, you’re not a comic genius so a little rehearsal never hurt. Remember spontaneity is often the most natural when its not! if you know what I mean.

4) Do remember no one said it was going to be easy, but at least now it should be a laugh!

1) Don’t make excuses – fortune favours the brave.

2) Don’t get too drunk – Dutch courage only makes you funny to you

3) Don’t try and be cool, funny, suave or sexy – it makes most of us look slightly mentally retarded

4) Don’t make jokes at their expense if you intend on seeing them again.

Play The Play Card

When your inbox is chokka full with valuable information such as how to make your penis bigger, meet a Russian bride, inherit $24 million dollars from an African politician and stock up on erectile dysfunction medications, sending a ‘Happy Xmas’ by email just doesn’t have the cut through it once did.

Remember Christmas is the one time you have an excuse to contact all those potential new flames and old sparks you’d like to re ignite, without looking like a stalker. So make the most of it and go with the shot gun approach, blasting out as many Christmas cards as you can think of while the hunting is good. That way you won’t be caught singing ‘Auld Lang Syne’ into the bottom of a beer glass alone on New Years Eve.

The AMAZING thing about Xmas cards is that if the person is not interested, you simply claim ‘you were being nice’ or ‘you sent them to everyone’ and the matter is instantly forgotten, dignity in tact.

So although it may be more convenient to email your Christmas cheer, if you are hoping to make an impression get off your ass and buy a personal card.

No one ever got laid sending BILO recycled, bulk, season specials and nativity scenes, so make your card stand out and your message mildly meaningful. By ‘mildly’ I mean don’t make it gushy, the card already says enough. Just make it thoughtful and make reference to something nice about them.

E.g. ‘Thanks for making Monday morning’s less painful’. Or ‘Thanks for putting a smile on my face in 08’. You will be surprised at just how much of an impression this little gesture can make in a world of high speed impersonal communications.

The real trick to pushing them over the edge is to add just a dash of subtle perfume or cologne – I repeat, SUBTLE but sexy. That way when they open it in a state of anticipation their brain pleasure receptors will get a whiff of the wonder of you. Seriously, it’s been proven we are more likely to be attracted to someone when we are presented with their scent while in a good mood or state of excitement. Just hope your card doesn’t arrive with their credit card statement.

Now remember. Don’t just use this tip for your love life. Spread the cheer and use Christmas as an excuse to mentally nudge anybody you might want to make contact with in the year coming, business and pleasure. Perhaps give the perfume bit a miss unless you are hoping they’ll want a lung full of the real thing, but the rest is a sure bet for career success.

NOTE: Just a little note to the naughties amongst you. Don’t forget your booty calls. Nothing says “Thanks for all the meaningless sex, it means a lot” quite like a hand written card.

Also don’t forget all your RHP wink buddies and friends – Why not write an Xmas message on a new picture of your suitably scantily clad sexy self and up load it for them all to see. Perhaps go with the 12 days of Christmas theme and upload a new one every day for a different friend. Alternately it’s a great opportunity to hook up with the date finder. After all how else are you going to get their Xmas card too them. It’s the perfect excuse!

1) Do get off your ass and buy real cards

2) Do include everyone and anyone you have ever had a crush on. You get one shot a year to be a stalker, make the most of it.

3) Do follow it up while the mood is good or better still while you can still use the excuse ‘its Christmas I was tipsy’

4) Do check any perfume or cologne you use doesn’t smell like dead cockroaches or alcoholics breathe when left on paper for a day (this comes from personal experience)

1) Don’t write soppy messages, add love hearts, glitter etc

2) Don’t send the same card to their twin sister/brother unless you are prepared to walk the walk!

3) Don’t leave the envelopes open around anyone with a sense of humour and access to a packet of condoms.

4) Don’t come crying to me because they didn’t send you one back – This is about sexual PR people, not fairness!!!

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

I’m not going to go through all the boring do’s and don’t of gift giving. Should you buy sexy knickers or perfume, a rub and tug voucher or a tool set? The list is endless and one mans socks is another mans foot fetish. Hmm that came out wrong, but you know what I mean.

There is however one simple trick to figuring out what to buy for those of us who can’t think of a number between 1 and 5 and add that many zeros to the price tag. Get a gift that demonstrates ‘TIME’. No I don’t mean a watch I mean something that ‘appears’ to have cost you personally rather than financially. Perhaps something you put together yourself or something that shows you have been paying attention.

Now this might all seem too much to bother with but it’s really very simple. Get whatever you were thinking of in the first place and either customise it, wrap it uniquely or make opening it into a game, preferably involving the removal of clothes or some other distraction that will take their attention off the fact that the gift was not that flash. Simple!

Lets be honest we only give because it makes us feel good. So why not cut to the chase, make the most of the self indulgence of the season, Give yourself a break, Give something new a go, Give someone a chance and most importantly Give the kid inside you permission to run amuck this Christmas.

Here’s hoping you have a dirty, dirty Christmas and happy, horny New Year xxxx