Look, we all know that Christmas is traditionally known as the happiest time of year; friends and family unite in the name of giving, problems are put on hold and we all embrace the welcoming arms of a new year. But LOOK OUT! The holidays are a bloody dangerous time. It’s well documented that the human mortality has a terrible habit of creeping up over the Christmas/New Year’s break; but fret not dear friends, because your saviour is at hand… so to speak.

We here at RedHotPie.com.au are huge believers in the power of science and modern medical technology, however, we also subscribe to that age old adage, ‘prevention is better than cure’. Luckily for you, we’re sitting on the mother of all preventative measures… let us tell you a little about it.

Sex. Yes it’s the quiet achiever ladies and gentlemen, or the not so quiet achiever if you’re doing right! “But how can sex save me?” we hear you asking. Well praise the sultry gods because I tell you brothers and sisters, without this little porking pastime the obituaries would be twice as long throughout January.

Let’s look at the top five cause of croaking around the holidays and point out how exactly copulating may well keep you on the mortal coil this Christmas.

Death by Road

So maybe you’ve had a big day. It was an early start, the gift giving thing dragged on forever, and then Aunty Val plied you with roast vegetables, six kinds of meat and a pudding big enough to kill a water buffalo. Now you and the partner are driving home and the eye lids are drooping a little. Enter sex! Instead of pushing on through the night and running the risk of pummelling a telephone poll you’re best off pulling over, finding a quiet bit of road or for you suburbanites a dark alleyway and adjourning to the back seat. Treat it like the naughty diversion it is, burn that turkey tryptamine away with a good old poling on the love seat. Make it short and sharp, but here’s the trick – don’t either of you come! Nope that’s right, you leave the senses tingling. You should be wanting that vinegar stroke so bad you’ll be awake for days just thinking about it! You’re awake for the rest of the drive home and I guarantee that you and the partner will be doing your Lego impression before you shut the front door behind you.

Death by Food

Remember aunty Val and that huge meal, well if watch the evening news you know all too well one of the biggest killers in our fair country is food; get down your local lawn bowls club or Op Shop and there you’ll find more guts than an slaughter house floor. You see over the years we have a tendency to pack it on and Christmas time is a major offender when it comes to gorging sessions. So make a pact with the lover, take it easy at the table, maybe ask for a doggy bag, just desserts if your palette doesn’t care to mix savoury flavours with bodily fluids. Yes, you see where we’re going with this. It’s Nine And A Half Weeks meets XXXmas… take that fruit pudding or those profiteroles and smear your better half, lather your favourite zones and spend the afternoon in bed enjoying your food, why inhale it when you can blow it?!?

Death by Drowning

What a nasty way to go, alone at the bottom of an aquatic body. Not even Jeff Buckley could make that one glamorous, so let’s avoid it eh. The secret here is not going it alone. You see when it comes to the adults and pools, the real trouble starts when the grog comes out and people take a dip without company… so this Christmas, make a water date with the lover. Make a little saucy, if you’ve got the pool to yourselves, make it a nudie session, do the bolt out the pool in your birthday suit; sure the neighbours might catch a glimpse but that’s part of the fun. We can assure you, there’ll be no kipping under the surface when your busy enjoying your third orgasm. The best part about this one is that with the skins tendency to wrinkle like a prune, after half an hour you can see what it will be like to shag when you’re seventy.

Death by Domestic Violence

It’s sad but it happens, emotions can be strained around this period and although it’s all about peace love and understanding, sometimes it can all be too much. So if you and your squeeze have a fiery relationship, remove any chance of the morning getting off on the wrong foot by getting on the job first thing. Hows about, you, a big ribbon and… actually that’s it. Wake up early enough to get the jump on your partner, no pun in tended, and kick the day of with a little morning glory. Hell, for the fitter readers out there, why not challenge yourself. See if you can’t ride the flesh train right up to lunchtime; just you try fighting after three hours of heavy relations!

Death by Boredom

You know at some point this Christmas you’re going to find yourself in a horrible situation through obligation. Maybe it’s your wife’s cousins Boxing Day fondue party or maybe it’s the boyfriend’s family’s Christmas Eve scrap booking dinner – good god! Well this is where the sly shag comes into its own. Turn your boredom inward and as you feel the tingle of anxiety and rage bubbling under your skin, turn the sexual afterburners on. Get flirting and make-sure your partner knows the score; make them understand as soon as the opportunity presents it’s on like Donkey-Kong. Then it’s just a waiting game, soon enough you’ll both slip away and the next four minutes will get your through the next four hours no sweat.