Indeed, there is still a lot of confusion around the different terms to identify trans people, along with an overall lack of education and understanding of the issues that trans people face in their day-to-day lives.

One article can’t possibly cover all aspects of transgenderism but we’ll have a go at identifying aspects that are perhaps relevant to the RedHotPie community, dispel some myths, and put some of the basics into a nutshell.

Trans Terminology

One important thing to get clear is terminology. There’s a tendency to use some terms interchangeably when they can mean entirely different things.

Firstly, ‘trans’ itself means to change. So if someone is a transsexual, that person has changed the sex that they were assigned at birth. If a person who was born biologically male (ie – One X chromosome, one Y chromosomes and one penis) but decides later that they feel they should have been born biologically female, they take whatever steps necessary to change their sex (transitioning). Some transsexual people will go as far as gender reassignment surgery, whereas others will opt to only take hormones to effect sex change. Some people may not do anything at all and this brings us to transgenderism.

While largely similar in concept to transssexualism, people who are transgendered are more focused on the change in gender than their bodily bits. Their interest is in being recognised by the gender they identify with rather than by what’s between their legs and any gender stereotypes associated with it. If a transgendered female identifies herself as a man, then she will prefer to be referred to as ‘he’ and use the men’s room. This article’s photo is of Jenna Talackova who was a transgender Miss Universe Canada entrant.

As for transvestites, that’s just another term for cross-dressing which has little to do with transsexualism or transgenderism. A cross-dresser wants to remain the same sex and gender that they were assigned at birth but they get their sexual kicks or other form of fulfillment from dressing up in opposite sex attire. Most cross-dressers are men who like frilly knickers and floral dresses. It’s a fetish as opposed to a complete change in identity and their sexual orientation will vary from cross-dresser to cross-dresser.

Are Trans People Gay or Straight?

Homosexuality means being sexually attracted to someone of the same sex so a transgendered person is only gay if they are attracted to someone who is the same sex to the sex that they identify as. Confused? Let’s take a look at the case of Cher’s son Chaz whose sex change was made into a documentary a few years ago.

Chaz was born biologically female and for most of his adult years, lived as a lesbian and he was in a long term relationship with another woman. Chaz eventually realised however that he identified himself as a man and made the decision to transition which his partner supported. The couple stayed together for some time after the sex change but eventually broke up. Although Chaz stopped being a woman and therefore a lesbian, his partner was still attracted to women and no doubt found it difficult to be with someone who was essentially now a straight man. On the other hand, had Chaz been heterosexual but transitioned into a man then he’d certainly be considered gay.

In short, you should disregard the sex or gender that the transgendered person was assigned at birth. Just ask him or her what their sexual orientation is rather than guess or assume. There are just no black and white answers where sexual orientation and transsexuality is concerned.

Why Is It So?

There are many scientific theories about why some people identify strongly with the sex or gender they were not born with and we can only encourage you to do your own reading if the issue is of interest to you. Transgenderism is quite topical though so it’s worth having some understanding of it, especially if you actually got to the part above about cross-dressing and learned something completely new.

For most people though, there’s no need to get too bogged down in the science of it all. If a trans person simply says they are female then she’s a ‘she’ and no further discussion should apply unless you’d like to get to know that person much, much better. Which leads us to…

Getting Sexy with a Transgendered Person

If there’s anything we’ve noticed on RedHotPie over the years, it would be the growing interest in meeting and playing with transgendered people. While we do appreciate the curiosity factor, we do stress that you approach any trans person with respect as we hope you would with anyone else on RHP.

The best thing to do when you decide to contact a trans person is to ensure that you have read their profile carefully. Most trans people will be fairly open about their situation and state what it is that they are seeking from other RHP’ers and what they want to do. Even so, the key is to never make any assumptions. If you’re not sure about something, it’s best to ask politely to avoid any awkward moments later on.

In terms of ‘how’, again it’s best not to assume that sexy relations with a trans person is a specific sort of experience. You might be hot for the idea of a sexy female with extra fun bits but there are many trans women who don’t include their penis in play or have other preferences that may rain on your sex parade.

Finally, while RHP offers a blanket member type (TV/TS) to cover this diverse group of people, if you do decide to write to someone in this category, please ensure that you note which gender they appear to be identifying with and address them accordingly. Conversely, many trans people choose either a M or F member type which is entirely up to them. If they do pick one or the other, you can take that as a clear indicator they identify as that particular gender and would like others to do so too.

‘Interested in reading some member forums related to this topic?

‘My straight hubby has a fantasy of having sex with a tranny.. is that normal? ‘

‘Feeling a little more educated.‘

‘Ladies, would you play with a person who identifies themselves as TG or TS?‘

Fortunately, most swingers clubs and parties today provide a welcoming environment for single girls. Organisers bend over backwards to ensure that their experience (quite often their first) with group sex or more-somes is nothing but positive and pleasurable.

For the single ladies on RedHotPie who may be contemplating their first foray into swinging, here are some points to keep in mind before starting your sexy adventure:

What Do You Want Out Of Swinging?

The first thing you should consider before dipping your toe into the world of swinging is to decide (at least roughly) what you want out of the experience. Multiple men? Multiple women only? Or a combination of everything? Are you open to intercourse happening (safe or otherwise) or do you want to stick to foreplay fun? Spontaneous naughtiness is certainly exhilarating but if anything, it’s best to know 100% what you definitely don’t want to experience so there are no regrets later on.

Once you know what you want out of swinging, the next important thing to do is work out how to go about it. If you have not done anything sexually with more than one person before and are perhaps on the shy or inexperienced side, you may wish to consider finding a smaller group of people to play with. This way you can get to know a set number of people socially before getting naked with them. There’s less likelihood of surprises and misunderstanding if everyone present is aware of your needs and desires.

If you’ve otherwise had some experience with threesomes or more-somes, and now want to experience the heady atmosphere of lots of sexy strangers getting together for some random, spontaneous encounters, then one of the swingers parties or clubs listed on RedHotPie may be right up your alley. Clubs that welcome single girls will gladly field any questions you may have and more than likely arrange someone to show you around when you arrive. If a club or party isn’t forthcoming with information or assistance, check out another venue.

Meeting Couples

For those ladies not too keen on parties and clubs, one of the easiest and intimate ways to get an understanding of swinging is to meet some couples on RedHotPie. Even if you’re seeking more than a threesome, getting to know a handful of couples will easily open up your opportunities to experience swinging in a more controlled way. Most couples are good friends with other likeminded couples so setting up a sexy private party to initiate you into the wild side won’t be hard to do.

Be wary of couples on RedHotPie whose profile mentions things like “wanting to a girl to spoil my man” or “desperate to fulfill our threesome fantasy”. Choosing a couple who isn’t overly focussed on their own needs and desires won’t place high expectations on you or your meeting with them. You want to meet couples who can make you feel relaxed and are interested in what you do or don’t want to do.

Suggest meeting a couple socially first at a bar or cafe, so you can see if there is any sexual chemistry and potential to be trusted friends. Don’t feel pressured or pushed into agreeing to anything that is suggested to you. There may be two people on the side of the table but you call the shots. On the same token though, do be upfront with the people you meet. If your aim is to play with a number of couples rather than just a threesome, then ensure that you explain that in your RedHotPie messages, or indicate your intentions on your profile before arranging to meet in person.

To Wingman, Or To Not Wingman?

Quite often, single women are unsure about attending a swingers event on their own even though the organiser may have done their best to assure them that they will be made comfortable and encouraged to mingle socially. Whether or not you attend on your own will depend on the sort of social creature you are, or are not.

If you’d feel more comfortable going to a party or club with someone you already know even just for the sake of not looking like you’ve come on your own, then it may not be a bad idea to invite a likeminded friend along, or a regular play friend who understands or even shares your desire to try swinging. If so, do ask the party or club organiser if it’s OK to attend as a couple or twosome.

Many play friends attend swingers events together successfully but you should probably outline some ground rules. If the purpose of having a friend along is to ensure you have constant company, the last thing you want is your friend to make a pig of himself with a bunch of people elsewhere, leaving you to wonder when it’s time to call the taxi (or vice versa!). Also, never (ever) invite a friend who is not open-minded or does not have a basic understanding of how swinging works.

Interestingly, many women who attend swingers parties with a play friend end up wishing they hadn’t. Sometimes a friend will limit the amount of fun you can have, particularly if he or she isn’t as Gung Ho about swinging as you are. Some friends aren’t naturally social and find large groups intimidating, or some feel a little jealous if swinging and group sex isn’t properly understood and they may have thought your relationship was exclusive. If in doubt, do consider attending on your own. You can leave at any time and that way, you only have to be responsible for your own good time. Most women who have attended parties will agree that the scene is friendly. You’ll never feel alone as people are often more than happy to have a no-strings chat, just to make conversation.

Once-Off or Ongoing?

Inevitably, many single ladies end up asking themselves whether swinging is a sustainable lifestyle for them as a solo player. Some women find that once their fantasies have been fulfilled, they don’t feel the need to participate further, at least not without a life partner of their own. Many singles and even couples are led by curiosity more than a definite appetite for group sex and as such, they fall out of the scene once the itch is scratched sufficiently. There’s nothing wrong with that and as most people will attest, why die wondering? Don’t feel bad if swinging is ultimately not what turns you on. Everyone is different.

On the flipside, there are just as many women who find themselves genuinely loving the dynamics of swinging and end up staying in the scene on a regular or casual basis. There’s definitely nothing wrong with that either and the most likely reason such women may give swinging a miss is when they meet a new partner. It’s therefore not unusual to see girls in the scene for a lengthy period before disappearing (and reappearing). Frequently, they end up with a partner who is just as keen for group play and a new swinging couple is born!

Whatever you decide, just remember that swinging or indulging in experimental group sex is not a lifelong commitment. You can dabble in it and just as easily decide later that it’s not your thing. You might change your mind again later, or you might not, but no one needs to know what you’ve explored except yourself. Your sex life is no one else’s business except perhaps your new partner’s, should the topic come up and ONLY if you wish to share your experiences.

Just be reassured that it’s never been easier or safer for single girls to explore fantasies and RedHotPie is definitely the place to start. If you’ve been hesitating, just strike up a conversation in Forums and you’ll no doubt find plenty of people to give you some tips and encouragement. Whatever you end up doing, have fun with it!

Interested in reading more? Check out some related member forums!

‘First time swinging for a single lady.’ Read it here
‘Transitioning from coupled off to swinglehood.’Read it here

Cirque Du Soleil has been mesmerising audiences young and old all around the world and as a long time fan, I was keen to check out one of their seven permanent shows in Las Vegas. I knew I wasn’t likely to be disappointed by any of them but given one should walk on the wicked side while in Vegas, I chose Zumanity, Cirque Du Soleil’s only adult-oriented show (showing at New York – New York Hotel & Casino).

Zumanity, described as “the Sensual Side of Cirque du Soleil,” combines the usual amazing range of acrobatics with seduction, and a good pinch of adults-only fun. It opened in 2003 but as any fan of Cirque Du Soleil would attest, their shows are timeless and the dynamic energy of the troupe keeps them fresh and exciting. Zumanity is certainly no exception and especially given its naughty theme, it’s probably never going to date unlike some Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals.

As you take your seat, you become familiar with the Cirque Du Soleil stage layout; a huge performance area with seats all around, affording everyone a very good view of the action. There are comedic actors keeping the earlybird audience amused with their antics as per other Cirque shows, but instead of clowns you get Dick and Izzy, the in-show sex therapists. This over-the-top duo are quite liberal with brandishing sex toys, much to the embarrassment of some audience members who probably didn’t think Cirque Du Soleil could get so bawdy.

Once the actual show begins, you are introduced to hostess Edie, Mistress of Seduction who is a tour-de-force drag show all on her own. She promises a night of open-minded and sensual entertainment and I can attest that you are not disappointed. Stunning African dancing gets your pulses racing before leading you into the first acrobatic act; two very flexible nude ladies in a huge glass bowl of water. It was a very visually captivating performance.

I’d rather not be a spoiler and give a blow-by-blow account of the entire show but you can certainly expect a lot of mid-air acrobatics, silk rope work, and a very healthy amount of nudity. The performers aren’t shy about stripping down but given how amazing their bodies are they certainly don’t need to be. Ladies will be happy to know that there is an act involving the resident beefcake to get them hot and bothered.

Towards the end of the show there is an act called ‘Gentle Orgy’ where all the performers of Zumanity come out to simulate a bit of group loving on a rotating platform, which is an absolutely gorgeous feast for the eyes and senses. You start feeling like a bit of a voyeur but before you get too fixated, Mistress Edie breaks the trance with some audience participation fun.

Zumanity is best described as part cabaret and part burlesque with a whole lot of sexy giggles in between. It’s also an exploration of human sexuality/sensuality in its many forms and you’re left with a feeling of being uninhibited. Zumanity is definitely a hot show to enjoy with your partner in deviousness so if you find yourself in Vegas one day, do check it out.

A lot of people immediately feel awkward or uncomfortable at the thought of meeting a couple where one partner is more enthusiastic than the other about swinging which is only natural. We’ve all heard stories about couples where one partner is gung-ho while the other has simply come along just to make up numbers. You know. The wife who sits quietly in the corner sipping soft drinks and avoiding eye contact while her husband shags the entire club? Or the hornbag girlfriend who can’t get enough while her man bows out after round one and seems more content tweeting on his iPhone? It just seems so wrong.

Or is it really that wrong? I get that we want to give a wide berth to couples where it’s blatantly obvious that one partner is completely against the idea of swinging but participates just to keep the peace. No one wants to get physical with people who aren’t really giving themselves to you willingly in lustful abandon. Neither does anyone want to be friends with someone who is selfish enough to ignore the well-being of their own partner in the name of getting their rocks off. But what if the couple you meet are terrifically great people who love each other deeply but just simply don’t swing with synchronised enthusiasm?

If you think about how one couple can often have mis-matched sex drives, it should really come as no surprise that differing libidos can affect how that couple plays in the swinging scene. The less highly sexed partner may still enjoy all the benefits of being in the lifestyle but doesn’t need to do much more than kiss and fondle a little to get their jollies. It often doesn’t have anything to with sexual attraction either as many people are turned on by their play partners but just don’t feel the need to play for a long time or in any intense way. That partner’s sex drive may also differ from month to month and due to factors such as stress and even self-esteem (eg – he or she may feel less sexy with winter weight on). Does that mean such couples shouldn’t participate in the scene at all?

As a couple who has an equal lust for swinging, it may come as a shock to end up in bed with another couple only to find that as the night progresses there only appears to be three people playing. For some though, it may end up being an ideal scenario, particularly for couples who enjoy threesomes. However, having uneven numbers is unnerving for others. This may especially be the case for newer couples who may expect swinging to be a completely balanced thing and couples who may have had issues in the past with one partner getting more attention than the other due to the non-participation of one partner from the other couple. No one likes getting left out!

So are we more or less offended by such imbalances because someone misses out on some element of the action while someone else in the mix gets more than their perceived fair share of attention? Even the most experienced and laid-back couples have dealt with the friction caused by this sort of inequality but does this really speak more about how inflexible some other people are in the scene and their own personal insecurities? After all, if we’re meant to enjoy watching our partner enjoy themselves sexually, should it really matter if for one night you’re not getting as much sexy time as your partner? If anything, does playing with a couple who has differing appetites for swinging force you to see how well your own relationship can tolerate an imbalance in sexual attention?

Perhaps the issue is more to do with how often this sort of swinging imbalance occurs in your playtime. Certainly, one night may be excusable but if the same scenario keeps playing out and it’s not to your liking then it’s time to speak up. The couple you otherwise adore may be happy for the guy to pound away while his lady provides the occasional hand pump or nipple tweak but if that doesn’t really suit you then you should address that point to them or find some new friends who like an equal measure of flesh pounding. Even the most non-jealous person would still prefer an even playing field at the end of the day.

If a swinging imbalance happens on the first play date and you’re sure you won’t play with that couple again, you may as well enjoy whatever you can out of it. If you’ve found yourself in a room with straight woman with a voyeuristic husband who clearly wants your partner to ride her to paradise and back, you can either be gracious and let your man have some fun or join in to give him a mind-blowing FMF threesome. If you find yourself twiddling your thumb at some point then there’s certainly nothing wrong with having a word with your partner and ending the night amicably. If the swinging imbalance is just completely unacceptable to you then it’s important to ensure that your partner knows how you feel and make your excuses.

Where you’ve had some great sexual times with a couple who have slowly started to show signs of differing sexual appetite then you need to weigh the pros and cons of remaining play friends with them. If it doesn’t bother you that one partner is less active than the other, then you can carry on with your merry ways. After all, unless you’ve struck up an monogamous swinging relationship with that couple, you’re bound to meet other dynamic duos who can match your enthusiasm, one for one. The important thing is to not take things personally either and wind up believing that someone’s lack of enthusiasm is your fault.

If you happen to be a couple whose individual interest in swinging differs a little or even a lot, the best thing you can do is talk openly about it with each other. If the less interested partner makes a clear indication that they’d rather not swing at all, then that decision has to be honoured. If they are genuinely interested and otherwise happy to be a part of the lifestyle then you both need to be mindful of how that may still affect the way you play with other couples. There’s no point going to an orgy if it’s highly likely that your partner will prefer to just engage in soft swinging. Out of courtesy, it may also be a good idea to ensure that the more enthusiastic partner doesn’t make a total pig of themselves (unless the other people clearly don’t mind).

If seeking couples on RedHotPie, your profile may be the best opportunity to make mention that your partner may be on the shy side or that there are certain things that they prefer not to do. It may limit the type of people who take interest in you to some extent but it will certainly save you problems later.

Another date gets arranged with the hot couple and you couldn’t be more excited. A restaurant is booked for a nice casual dinner . The only problem is that actually could get a whole lot more excited if you knew what was going to happen after dinner. Unfortunately the couple didn’t mention any plans for what to do after dinner other than suggesting it should be a ‘fun night’. You did think to ask if getting a room was a good idea but suddenly you felt it would be presumptuous. On the other hand if they do plan on asking you back to their place, you’d rather be prepared. Do you go and get some waxing done anyway just in case? Maybe the other couple only swing on the third date? Aghh!

If the point of swinging is about having sexy fun with other couples, it then comes us a bit of surprise how hard it actually is for some people to get playing off the ground. You would naturally think that a bunch of horny adults could easily coordinate a bedroom romp but it seems being polite and implicit about one’s intentions only leads to frustration and confusion. On the other hand, being forward and explicit about what one wants might get you labelled as pushy or sleazy. Not a good thing either.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with saying what you think but it should be done with sensitivity and good humour. If the couple you have met have specifically told you that they have had prior swinging experience and are comfortable about playing relatively soon after meeting a new couple, you can assume that they are likely to say yes if you ask them ‘how about it?’. If you are reluctant to ask because you are worried about being rejected (ie – yes they’ll swing, but no, not with you), then consider your situation; if the couple have agreed to meet you and seem open to catching up again, there’s a good chance they’d enjoy doing the wild thing with you too.

So if you’ve chatted up a couple online and think you’d like to get to know them better, consider getting as many answers as possible from them in a general way first. Find out if they are experienced swingers or relative newbies. Are they willing to play on the first date or do they prefer to get to know people better via social dates or chatting and messaging online? If playing is on the cards, do they prefer to get a room or are they comfortable enough to host or visit? Finally, are any or all of the answers you get compatible with your own views on the matter? If there’s anything you’d like to clarify about the other couple and their preferences, it is better to do so sooner than later.

Next, while some couples are happy to play with people unconditionally, most would prefer to meet a potential shag face-to-face and take things from there. Physical attraction is obviously important but just as crucial is how you all get along personality wise. If the other couple ticks all your boxes and you’re fairly sure that they are also attracted to you, it’s just a matter of being honest. And yes, brave. At the end of your first date, ask the other couple if they would be interested in coming over to your place next time for drinks. This way, the other couple are not put under a huge amount of pressure (you haven’t directly asked to play) but there’s enough insinuation there for them to know that the invitation is for a sexy night if they accept.

Those who feel a little more brave may wish to suggest getting a hotel room for the next date (that would definitely remove any margin for misunderstandings) or the supremely confident could go ahead and suggest going back to someone’s house right after the first date. It will really depend on how well you all get along with each other. I think you’ll know when the time is right; when the conversation and laughter flows well and there’s a certain openness between you all. Asking the hard question just doesn’t seem hard.

In other situations where there isn’t as much merriment or obvious signs of getting along, it may be wise and hold back on any suggestions of playing. The other couple may well be interested in playing with you but there’s always the old chestnut of doing the right thing at the right time. Some people need to be in a certain mood or may feel more comfortable in their own home.

If you are not getting any outward indication that the other couple would like to share some playtime with you, you can do one of two things; just come right out and suggest a play date next time (the other couple may be relieved that you asked) or if that isn’t how you roll, perhaps send a quick message to them the next day and just simply tell them that you enjoyed their company and would be open to catching up again for that and more next time. If the fear of getting a ‘no’ stops you from doing this, then you run the risking of playing the guessing game over and over again.

The crux of this matter is breaking the ice and asking that hard question. You can wait for the other party to do that or end up in a circuit of meeting people socially and never actually playing. Rejection is never fun but if you’ve managed to get a hot sexy couple to meet up with you and they haven’t run off with a sudden, unexplained headache then there’s a good chance playing’s on their mind too. So, what are you waiting for?

Are people a bit unrealistic?

Let’s face it. Most of us mere mortals can’t hope to compete with Brangelina and the ranks of the über-hot. In all reality though, how often do you actually run into people like that in general, much less in a smaller sample of the population that is the swingers scene? Isn’t it therefore a bit unrealistic to expect awe-inspiring beauty from everyone you meet in the scene? Furthermore, the likelihood of two partners from a couple both being drop-dead gorgeous AND hooking up with an equally beauteous couple seems really unlikely. I think for every one such super-pairing, there would be hundreds of other regular folk on various scales of attractiveness. And guess what? I reckon they’d be having as much (if not more) fun as the so-called beautiful people.

So what is being ‘hot’ all about?

To me personally, being hot suggests that a person is lust-worthy and makes everyone instantly want to jump all over them. This may be because that person is physically very attractive or it may be because they have that certain something about them; a sexy smile, easy-going personality and so on.
What rates as hot is very often entirely subjective but to some extent there are some common ideas on what constitutes hot, such as an athletic body, a beautiful face or perfect round breasts. The more a person’s definition of hot deviates from those common ideas, the more they are likely to be superficial and picky about who they want to shag (and ironically irrespective of how hot they themselves may be perceived!). Suddenly the guy who has a triathlete’s physique may not be so hot because his face is full of freckles, or the perky 12B boobies aren’t that appealing up against a set of DD melons. The benchmark of ‘hotness’ keeps shifting and in that process some people feel like they fall well under the accepted norm of what is hot.

Dealing with rejection

For couples who simply want to meet some nice people, not meeting the hot criteria for what seems to be the good majority of other couples and singles can lead to a horrible sense of rejection, especially when you can only rely on your RedHotPie profile and photos to appeal to the masses. It’s certainly a nasty slap to the self-esteem when messages are unanswered once private gallery photos are shared, or especially when some couples take it upon themselves to let them know that they are well and truly not their type. Some people are just needlessly cruel and one wonders if perhaps there’s something far more wrong with them than just their superficial views.
It isn’t nice to be thought of as unattractive but in all honesty, it’s best not to take that sort of rejection too personally. What one couple doesn’t find sexually attractive may ring all the right bells for another. It may even be just one minor point that turns a couple off (facial hair, extra padding etc.) which isn’t something you can (or should) change. Picky couples and singles inevitably don’t meet as many people as they could and that is entirely their problem, not yours. Just move on to other people instead. Hold your head up high and keep your confidence levels up. Happy and confident people are always attractive.
Also, don’t forget that swinging involves four people (often more!) and sometimes it’s important that everyone is attracted to each other (even if the guys or girls are not bi). That means the margin for non-attraction is higher and all the more reason you shouldn’t take rejection too badly. Sometimes the bi-curious female partner of one couple is attracted to the other male but isn’t sexually interested in his openly bisexual partner. Maybe one male partner reminds the other male of his late grandfather? So many factors can prevent a match.

What if you’re not everyone’s cup of tea?

OK. So you have written to virtually everyone on RedHotPie and still no hope of a hot date? If it’s clear that people aren’t impressed by your profile and photos (because they’re not responding to you or they’ve actually said you’re not appealing), then it may be time to pimp up your profile. Often people are rebuffed not so much due to lack of physical attractiveness but because of plain horrible presentation. You may be loading up the wrong photos (ie – hubby in his work gear swigging beer on the back porch while his missus waters the lawn in her dressing gown). Perhaps the photos of you just don’t do you justice at all? Maybe you’re unshaven (face!) or your hair could have done with a wash? Take note of your profile write-up, username and messages too. Perhaps you come across as dull, brash or crude? Perhaps you’ve given up your more private shots too soon and it’s freaked the other party out? There are many possibilities and instead of throwing in the towel, give your profile some attention and see if that gets your foot in the door.
If on the other hand you are well aware that your looks are not your strong point, then you do need to work just that bit harder to let your personalities shine through. Get your best photos up and make sure your profile describes a fabulous duo that just simply must be met. Be friendly and cheeky and avoid words like average and ‘we aren’t supermodels’. Just list your positives.

Is it wrong to want to meet ‘hot’ people?

If this article has so far suggested that you’re shallow human beings for wanting to shag only attractive people then that is not its intent. There’s nothing wrong with lusting after hotties and indeed, no one should ever have sex with people that they aren’t attracted to. I’m probably trying to drive the point that we all need to get our perspectives in check every so often. If you have struck gold with meeting good-lookers from the get go, you may be less enthusiastic about dating comparatively less attractive people, which sadly leaves a lot of nice people without dates and feeling ugly until they get their groove on and starting meeting people themselves. This is rather ironic given the people who get rejected may have been ideal matches prior to benchmarks getting set. On the flipside, those ‘not so hot’ people may look at you and wonder why you’re rejecting them given they don’t perceive you to be any more attractive than they are.
That is not to say that you should ignore physical attraction and meet people willy-nilly in the hopes that your personalities match famously. At the end of the say, swinging is about sex and you will most of the time be guided by physical attraction first. Most couples also don’t have the luxury of time to meet absolutely everyone that approaches them so they are most often swayed by profiles and photos (again, presentation is everything). Swinging is unfortunately never as spontaneous as people would like. It takes time to try and find the right couple and in most cases, practicality wins over just ‘winging it’ most times. If a couple isn’t attracted to your profile photos, that’s usually that and few people can really blame them. If they had all the time in the world and could meet you in person, it may be a completely different story.

So the next time you get a response from a couple who hints that there is no attraction, then take that at face value. There is a huge difference between not being attracted to someone and not being attractive. Everyone has their own unique blend of hotness; some more readily consumed than others. Apply your own experiences of rejection and approach couples who you may not otherwise messaged based on their profile and photos. You may discover some true diamonds in the rough.

There is indeed a common misconception that all swinging couples have an open relationship but nothing could be further from the truth. Their relationship may have open lines of communication to be able to fully discuss their desire to have sex with others and similar fantasies but in most cases the couple only engage in sexual adventures together. In contrast to that, couples in an open relationship do their own thing (married but single) and quite often don’t get into swinging situations.

So how does a couple work out if they are swingers or into open relationships? Can you be both or do you have to choose one path or the other ultimately? What works best?

Swinging Or Being Open?

Open relationships seem to suit couples where one or both partners prefer one-on-one sex but with the excitement of various new lovers, whereas swinging suits couples who want to enjoy new lovers together and usually in a group setting. Also, while swingers may be complete newbies to the concept of new sexual partners, more than likely an open couple would have dabbled in multiple partner sex at some point in their current relationship (or at the very least in their previous ones) before deciding on having a complete open relationship. In other instances however, the decision to open up a relationship is purely to do with differing sex drives or the desire to experience a new lover in which case they may be total newbies too.

Interestingly, some open couples actually do not enjoy group sex and threesomes at all, and in cases where only one partner does, he or she may seek encounters with swinging couples or groups to get their kicks. Conversely, both partners of a swinging couple have to like group sex and partner swapping to the same sort of degree for things to work properly. Swinging is therefore ideal for couples who want to share sexual adventures together whereas open relationships give a couple permission to indulge in sexual encounters of their individual preferences.

Sometimes, only one partner in an open couple is active in seeking extra fun (which often seems to attract criticism & disdain) in which case it’s fairly clear that having an open relationship is the only option. Swinging definitely requires both partners to be equally interested and committed to meeting people for fun.

Can You Be Open AND Swing?

It’s not impossible for a couple to be both swingers and enjoy an open relationship. In fact, you’ll probably note amongst the many couple profiles on RedHotPie that quite a few people openly advertise that they are able to play together as a couple or meet with other singles or couples individually. You could say that such couples are highly flexible in their playing arrangements but it isn’t something that suits everyone.

If a couple enjoys playing together but one or both partners are also open to meeting other people on their own, they need to be very sure about their arrangements and aware of any shortcomings associated with them. If one partner ends up having more fun in the arrangement than the other, then there needs to be some agreement on how to deal with any imbalance of fun. This may happen if the female of a couple is in more demand to play on her own than the male partner OR even the pair put together. Unless the male partner gets his absolute jollies from knowing that his partner is being sexually satisfied left, right and centre, it is the source of most issues in open relationships.

I’ve seen some amazing arrangements between a few sets of swinging couples with open relationships who systematically lend out partners in a balanced way so as to provide an extra facet to their partner swapping. This seems to suit couples who love MFM or FFM threesomes but haven’t had luck meeting singles to do the job. Maybe this is what you would call a conditional open relationship where ‘you can borrow my wife if I can borrow yours next time’? What’s Better: Swinging or Being Open? It’s not really a case of one being better than the other where swinging and open relationships are concerned as every couple is different as are their sexual tastes and requirements. Some couples eschew swinging as they don’t wish to see or hear their partners engage in sex with other people (which may set off alarm bells for some) but enjoy the idea of having new lovers and may also feel compelled to let their partners enjoy other people too as a fair exchange. Some couples may feel the opposite and would be more inclined towards jealous feelings to know their partners are being touched by and intimate with someone else, well away from them. Jealousy will definitely determine which path you take, if any at all. Swinging may also be thought of more as a social, friendship making activity whereas open relationships are associated more with discrete meet-ups where partners never really meet lovers. There are probably less issues with swinging couples meeting up for non-sexual meets but a partner spending non-sexual time with a lover could be taking the arrangement into dangerous territory unless the open couple has a strict understanding of what is and isn’t allowed. The downside of swinging is that it is indeed a team sport and if one player is sick, bored, turned-off or simply uninterested in the game then that ends your illustrious career in the scene. If neither of you are keen on trying an open relationship then it’s back to making monogamy hot again. Swinging also involves more people and therefore the potential for more incompatibility both sexually and socially. This usually means a couple has to court a few couples before finding the perfect ones to swing with. In an open relationship, it’s only one partner finding one lover (at a time) and as long as she or he is safe from harm, the other partner need not worry too much about liking the spare shags. What both swinging and open relationships require are very solid rules, boundless honesty and an agreement from the get go that your primary relationship is the most important. If those things aren’t kept in check, it can spell disaster whatever way you play. If you’ve got all your ducks lined up perfectly in a row, couples will find much fulfillment from either swinging or open relationships. If it enhances your primary relationship and brings you closer, who can really say if one works better than the other?

Aren’t you the guy who fixed our computer?

One of the key reasons people still seem hesitant to post their face shots on sites like RedHotPie, or even sign up on one at all, is the fear of being recognised by people they know. Now, I do get the need for discretion but I always find it amusing that people worry about being spotted by those who are pretty much on the RHP for largely the same reasons. I think this has a lot to do with most people preferring to keep their horizontal life separate to their vertical one. Indeed, it does keep things uncomplicated. I suspect also that some couples actually enjoy appearing benign and boring in their ‘normal’ world and reserve their wild, sexy persona as a naughty little secret.
For others, having their sexuality speculated on by people who have otherwise only known them as their co-worker, local councillor or barista is plain horrifying. Alternatively, there’s also the concern that revealing such a personal and vulnerable side of yourself shoots down any sort of professional or social face you’ve put up to that person. Rather sad to think that you’re potentially viewed as being less of an upstanding citizen or responsible employee just because you enjoy having an extra person or two in the bedroom every now and then. I’d like to think that we’ve moved beyond that sort of mindframe but I certainly wouldn’t knock a couple for wanting to safeguard their lives, especially if they believe their livelihood or family’s well being may be negatively affected by narrow-mindedness.
To be fair, nothing should matter more to you than maintaining ‘normality’, especially where work and family are concerned but it makes sense to simply apply common sense to swinging. Consider how likely it is to meet people on RHP that you know in the real world. Is that likelihood affected by you living in the city or the country? How bad (really) would it be if someone did discover that you dabble in group sex? Weigh up all the risk factors before resorting to clandestine meetings and using false names.

Can you be discreet but still have fun?

Ironically, as much as this article is about discretion, there happens to be a lot of couples playing the game and therefore competition aplenty. You may think that with so many couples online on RHP, your chances of meeting people would be high but you’d be sadly mistaken. Couples are very much driven by visuals first, with written content and other details sealing the deal for a play match. So how can you stand out from the crowd if you don’t want to put up photos and rely on one or two cautious sentences to sell yourself?
If discretion is of paramount importance to you then you have to accept that you probably can’t be passive players. By this I mean that your profile is unlikely to get hit on purely because it exists. It’s going to be up to you to strike up the first conversation. This most often will mean paying some level of membership in order to initiate contact with people, unless you’re content to be an online wallflower. If you have the power to approach people, you can describe yourself in better detail via messages and give people access to private galleries. If things don’t lead anywhere, then turn off that access and no harm done. If someone bites, you can determine the next level of personal information to provide and take things from there.

How discreet is too discreet?

Fortunately, online dating sites afford people a good amount of anonymity and you can ultimately control the amount of information you provide others. In short, there would have to be a complete freak occurrence for someone to randomly pick you out of thousands of profiles and work out exactly who you are. More often than not, it’s error in judgment on the user’s side that gives their game away. For example, if you live in a country town with a population of two thousand people, it may be wise to list yourself as residing elsewhere, especially if the majority of your playtime is spent out of your home town anyway.
As I touched on previously, I wouldn’t criticise a couple for going to certain lengths to maintain discretion but if it starts to affect your mental health (ie – you’re constantly looking over your shoulders) or if your efforts start to work against you in that no one wants to meet you for being too cagey, then you may need to review your strategy. It’s all very well to be discreet but is there a fine line between protecting your identity and failing to provide enough of yourself to attract others and to maintain a meaningful friendship if that is what you seek.
Other than a small number of couples who purely seek NSA (no strings attached) play-only arrangements, you’ll find that most couples will want to engage in a more social, friendly relationship over time. This means discussing work, lifestyle, family and other things that give people an insight into your personality. Unless you are a high profile couple (celebrity, politician or church leader etc.), most people won’t understand your need for Grade A secrecy and may even mistake it for pretentiousness. As such, you should gauge your need for discretion based on the friendships you make; bit by bit. If you’re going to constantly worry about whether your new friends’ cousin’s chiropractor knows the president of your child’s P&C, then you should stick to NSA swinging. If your new friends also still only know you by your false names a year on, you could also be taking things a bit too far.

What happens when your ‘normal’ & swinging worlds collide?

This will happen from time to time. You’ve left the ladies to sort the details of a drinks date (not unusual given it’s the best way to determine that a couple is bona fide). You rock up at the local pub and it’s only then you work out that the guy from the other couple is in fact the policeman who gave evidence against you at your hearing for urinating in public. Stranger things have happened. What do you do? You act like civil adults and either agree to enjoy a chat over drinks (whether you consider playing later in spite of the circumstances is up to you all) or decide to call it a night there and then on the understanding that there is an unwritten law of discretion in swinging. It may be tempting to tell your mates that Constable Mean is on an adult dating website but then you’d need to explain to them why *you* know (and don’t say you just came upon the information; they’ll work it out for themselves). You don’t do anything silly because the other party can be just as stupid and before you know it, you’ll be known on RHP as the guy who cut a slash in public and what couple is up for meeting classy folk like that? It’s a win-win situation to remain quiet. That’s just how it is.
On a less dramatic scale, should you come across the parents of your child’s classmate or the lady who owns the local beauty salon, don’t freak out. It may be embarrassing and uncomfortable initially but it’s no less so for the other party. Just be adults about it and move on as if it’s cool. You’re not doing anything illegal and if the other party are online RHP as well (or at a swingers party etc.) then their definition of what’s normal or weird isn’t going to differ too much from yours. You’re not obliged to play with people you bump into in Swingerland so in the grand scheme of things, it’s not that bad is it? I think it’s much worse to be caught urinating in public personally.

Theme Nights

Crank up the central heating and turn your living room into a toasty warm beach party. Go a little (or a lot) Hawaiian and invite your guests to front up in their sexy bikinis and boardies (or rock the Tony Abbott special if budgie smugglers float your boat!). Serve up some tropical cocktails along with some beach party snacks and before you know it, winter is just a figment of your imagination. Lay some towels around the room and make use of those cosy beach tents for some private nookie time.
If the beach scene isn’t your cup of tea, get your guests over for a good old fashioned toga party or a buxom wench and bawdy pirates night. Throw in some games like truth or dare or spin the bottle and your guests will be in the mood to try anything.

Lingerie Dinner Parties

The evening chill may put you off BBQs and alfresco dining but that just means it’s time to play Masterchef inside. Invite a table of eight or ten (whatever your dining room permits) and go all out to present a fabulous meal for your guests. The only conditions are that your guests must attend your dinner party in their sexiest underwear and sit next to anyone other than their own partner.
Make a sexy three-course meal that encourages a bit of interaction. Perhaps alternate your entree and main to encourage people to share and eat a bit of everything. While waiting between courses, devise naughty mini games (two people can go under the table and guests have to decide who has done what to whom) to play to keep your guests entertained. Dessert should be something you can feed to each other or make it an extra fun game by blindfolding one person and getting that person to guess what’s on the plate. What’s the bet you all won’t make it to the bedroom to work off the calories?

Amateur Porn Shoot

Get a bunch of your favourite exhibitionist friends over, make like Zack and Miri and stage an amateur porn shoot. Work out what role each of your guests will play. Someone can play director (preferably someone who knows how to operate a video camera) and you can all have a say in the plot of your porno (ie – no real talent required there so don’t panic!). Bring out all your sexy lingerie and tacky props, and get some porno music to put you all in the mood. Use all areas of your house to set up favourite scenarios and engage in some fun role play. Maybe someone called for a plumber? Drag him into the kitchen and show him what needs his attention.
Make sure all parties are happy to be filmed though and make an unanimous agreement to either delete the footage at the end of the session or make copies for personal pleasure. If everyone likes the idea of being filmed but is extra mindful of discretion, then try a shoot with masks. Very sexy! If you just like the idea of playing porn stars then forget about the camera all together.

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Most people are at least a little bit intrigued by the idea of of the glory hole. For those who are uninitiated with the concept, a glory-hole is a usually a hole in a wall through which a person on one side may touch and fondle another person on the other side, ideally without seeing or feeling anything other than body parts. You can set things up so that both sides don’t know whose hands, fingers, tongue or other body parts they are in contact with.
Of course, one can’t just bash a hole through the wall between the bedrooms in your house so the DIY person in your home may need to put their thinking hat on. You may want to get some MDF and build a partition with a number of holes in it. A large box may be just as fun and a little kinky for those who like it like that. For those who are not close friends of Bunnings, try a darkened bedroom in which the willing victim may lay on the bed and accept secret visitors.

Game Night

Who doesn’t like getting the board games out? OK, who doesn’t like getting down and dirty while getting the board games out? Pick a few of your favourite games and set up your guests accordingly. Aim for games that have short rounds (so winners and losers are decided fairly quickly and frequently). Work out fun rules where the winner may order the loser to do whatever they wish. You might even want to make one of your bedrooms the ‘sin bin’ and send the loser of one round in to wait for the loser of the second round. The anticipation of who might be coming in should get your guests in a spin.
Have a think about how you might be able to sex up some of your old time favourites. Maybe Monopoly can get a new set of rules where going to jail may have an entirely different meaning. Cluedo can become a fun game of ‘Who shagged who?’. You’re only limited by your imagination.

Myth #1: Single men are everywhere

For every couple who has ever received unwanted attention from single men on RedHotPie, it would seem that they exist in plague proportions. In reality, when it comes time to actually finding one, it seems there really aren’t as many eligible men out there as once imagined. Indeed, by the time a couple makes a checklist of what they would like out of a single guy, the massive pool of horny dudes becomes a manageable pond. This still seems hopeful but as more time is put into getting to know these guys, the pond shrinks into a puddle.
Over a one month course of trying to find Mr Right, the guys who match your checklist end up hooking up with a girlfriend (and does the right thing by her and politely declines your threesome invitation), goes overseas on a hiking expedition or the like, or starts a new job that puts him into fly-in/fly-out mode. For those that remain available, some genuinely can’t get their diary synchronised with yours, or some end up psyching themselves out of meeting you. Before you know it, your puddle has dried up and it’s time to go fishing in new waters again: if you’ve got the patience for it.

Myth #2: Guys on RedHotPie are hot and horny for it 24/7

Yes. RHP guys are hot and they are horny but most are not prepared to drop everything in order to ‘get some’. Let’s not forget that single guys are human beings with a life outside of RHP. No doubt there are some guys who would be willing to come around to service a couple with one swift booty call but in most cases we need to exercise some fairness to all concerned.
If you feel like having a spontaneous session late one night, chat up a guy who happens to be online on RHP and manage to get him to your front door within thirty minutes, then consider yourself lucky. However if the poor guy sounds keen but text messages you an hour later and says he can’t make it, try not to get too mad. Consider how you would feel if you were given an hour to meet complete strangers who expect you to perform sexually (you’re not inviting him over for a cup of tea, right?). Well shouldn’t he have said no in the beginning? Totally. But he’s a guy at the end of the day and got revved up by the concept of hot threesome sex. Sadly the organ in charge of logistics (ie – his brain) tapped him on the shoulder and reminded him that he has to get up early to fly out of the country the next day. What’s a guy to do?
In the meantime, you’re left feeling unfulfilled and vowing to take to every single guy with the rough end of a pineapple. We do feel your pain but we can only suggest that you don’t expect too much from spontaneous sessions. Like anyone, single guys need some time to clear their schedules. They might even prefer to go out for a drink first and (shock, horror) get to know you socially before doing the wild thing.

Myth #3: Single guys will hit anything. Anything!

There’s a sad misconception that all single guys are desperate and likely to fornicate with anything that has a willing orifice. If you as a couple have this mentality when seeking one of those horny beasts to join you, you may be in for a nasty shock. Single guys have tastes and preferences like anyone else on RHP. If you won’t have sex with just anyone, why would a single guy? Or do you want the sort of single guy who will tap absolutely anything?
This myth hasn’t been brought up to suggest that some couples are plain unattractive (we’re all hot here on RHP of course!) but more so to highlight the problem some men face when propositioned by a couple who doesn’t appeal to him sexually. He’s damned if he is honest (many guys subsequently receive a barrage of abuse for being a picky bastard) and damned if he remains silent, blocks the couple and hides under a rock for a while.
Should he offer to meet for drinks at least? Sure, but somehow this could be worse if he decides then not to go ahead with the threesome due to non-attraction.
For some reason, couples can take rejection by a single girl or couple better than by a single guy. Perhaps it’s because of the tendency to assume that single guys aren’t picky, and to have a guy reject you makes the lady feel pretty average and her hubby mad as hell. So what’s a guy to do? Have sex with someone he’s not 100% attracted to or get labelled a time-wasting bastard? Great options.

If there’s a lesson to be learned here, couples who are seeking a single guy should probably not go into the task thinking it’s a no-brainer. Yes, there are many great guys to choose from on RHP but the three myths busted above should give you some idea of how you should go about finding the right guy to fulfill your MFM fantasies.
Firstly, remember that single guys are human beings with normal, human thoughts, emotions and commitments. Many have stressful jobs, kids from previous relationships and amazing passions and past times that may come ahead of meeting couples for threesome fun.
If you’re simply after a spare penis for the night, then you’re welcome to view single guys as a commodity but don’t be surprised if those who respond to your invitation are equally mercenary in their pursuits. If this suits you to a tee then you need only send a mass of messages or replies to various guys and the odds are that you’ll get a few to come and play with you.
If however you’re more into quality and fancy actually meeting a guy who you could possibly even be mates with in the vertical world then it’s worth making the effort to find the right guy for you. Work out what you are seeking in a guy (ie – attached, unattached, bisexual, experienced in group sex, condom-friendly etc.) and do an Advanced Search to get your listing of suitable guys. From there you can see through pics and profile write-ups as to whether a guy is your type of person.
When organising to meet a guy, offer to meet with the guy socially first. Most guys will probably agree to playing right away but of those guys some will sadly get a bit freaked out (experienced in group sex or not, many guys fear performance issues). If you take sex off the table for the time being, you’ll all be relaxed and not under any pressure. If drinks go well then you can easily organise the rest.
To avoid ‘timewasters’, ensure that you have swapped photos and that all parties understand what the threesome is to involve or not, and are happy to meet up. You should insist on a phone number from the single guy or ask him to call you. A quick chat on the phone will ensure that all is well and genuine. There’s sadly nothing that can gauge how well a guy is going to perform in the threesome but it may help to ensure that everyone only drinks in moderation if you’re serious about getting it on properly.