After a period of time, the words ‘I love you’ can only carry so much weight. Here are 15 small ways to show your partner that you love them with more than words.

1. Doing those unwanted and annoying tasks

Do the dishes or the laundry. Clean the cat’s litter. Make dinner. Do something that is normally your partners ‘task’, not because they have asked you to, but to lighten the load for them on any given day.

2. Small unexpected gifts

Gifts aren’t reserved for occasions, sometimes the best gifts can come spontaneously. Whether it be something your partner mentioned in passing, something small you know that they need or have run out of, or a treat on a bad day. It’s less about the material item itself, and more about the thought behind the gift.

3. Show patience and kindness

Sometimes existing alongside another person can be frustrating and try your patience. The old adage ‘Love is patient, love is kind’ still rings true. Try not to sweat the small stuff, particularly if you live together. There are going to be things about each other that will annoy you, but they don’t need to be a big deal or a fight.

4. Cleaning up, beyond the call of duty

Honestly, there is nothing sexier than a partner scrubbing the toilet or shower, unasked.

5. Be weird together

Be comfortable enough to let your freak flag fly. Be weird and strange with each other. Sing and dance and enjoy each other’s company.

6. Create together

Whatever you might enjoy. Art, music, gardening, play a sport, cook together. Creating together is a valuable way to bond and learn new skills

7. Encourage their hobbies and be their cheer squad

Just because you might not understand your partner’s hobby, does not make it any less valid. Get interested in their stuff. Be their cheer squad, tell them that you support them (even If it bores you to tears) and don’t criticize or put down the things they love or are passionate about.

8. Believe in each other

Encourage each other to try new things and take (measured) risks. Help each other to not be perpetually afraid of failure.

9. Be unafraid to tell them when they are hurting themselves. Love can be harsh honesty

Whether it’s drinking, laziness, or a really bad beard, sometimes love is hard truths.

10. Break routine occasionally

Find a new restaurant. Find a new sexual position or act. Go somewhere you’ve never been together before.

11. Allow each other space, cohabitation doesn’t mean co-existence

Remember that alone time is important, and having your own space is important. Allow each other time apart, go on separate trips, and encourage them to spend time with their friends. Time apart can actually make your time together more valuable.

12. Bring positive energy

Be a beacon of light for your partner. It’s tempting to unload your emotional stress and baggage on your partner, and it’s important to share your worries and fears with each other. But remember to share your happiness and love with them as well.

13. Lower each other’s stress levels, be calm in a crisis

If your partner is stressed out, take a second to breathe with them. Offer a massage, or do something together that they enjoy. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a stressed person is to be a calming influence.

14. Be your best self

Don’t stop trying just because you’re in a long-term relationship. Get dressed up and make an effort occasionally, strive to be your best self for you, and for them.

15. Hug it out

Physical touch is extremely important, not just in a sexual context. Sit close to your partner, touch their hair or legs and arms. Cuddle and hug each other, just because you can. Physical touch increased bonding and releases serotonin.

Whatever the situation might be, you’ve found yourself in a man’s home. Maybe you’ve been on a successful date and you’ve made it back to his place. If you both play your cards right, it might be a one-way ticket to bang-town. Here are 10 Red Flags in his home that indicate you should walk right back out the door.

1. Clothes all over the floor or bed.

How am I supposed to get jiggy while surrounded by your dirty socks? That’s NASTY. This show that they seemingly can’t set in place a hierarchy of priorities for organising their life. If they haven’t taken a few moments to at least hide their mess to impress you, it might be an indicator that they won’t make much effort in the rest of their life either.

2. Piles of dirty dishes (bonus points for mould)

A few dirty dishes is acceptable, we know you’re not a robot. But if you’ve planned to have a lady at your place, and there is a weeks’ (or more!) worth of dishes piled in your kitchen (or worse, through the rest of the house) this illustrates that you can’t look after yourself properly. If there is mouldy or smelly food, that’s when it moves from ‘gross’, to ‘health hazard’.

3. A bad smell

If your house smells, I am OUT. Where is it coming from? Did something die in here? Have you not taken out the trash in a month? Stop.

4. Bed with no cover/stains

An un-unmade bed can be forgiven, however, if you’ve got super old or dirty pillows, just a doona/duvet with no cover, possibly stained. Crumbs or food in the bed are an additional warning bell. You don’t want to be picking food out of your hair after a love-making session. If there are used tissues or crusty socks in there, RUN.

It doesn’t cost much to grab a nice cover for your bed from Kmart or target.

5. Decor

Things like:

No lamps: Come on, we need some mood lighting here.

Not a single book in the house: To quote John Waters: ‘If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t f*ck them’.

Posters of naked women: Is this a teenage boy’s room? Blu-tacked posters of extremely photoshopped women with fake tits do not make me feel sexy or inclined to have sex with you. Get some art.

6. Signs of pet neglect

This can include things such as:

Unclean litter boxes

Matted fur

Smell of urine

Fur everywhere

Pet faeces

This is not only a red flag for the house but a red flag for the poor neglected animal. Anyone who cannot look after their own pet definitely does not have their priorities in order.

7. Dirty toilet

Gross. No. Gross. No. This shows a lack of general hygiene and cleanliness.

8. Stains

What is that mystery stain? Is it coffee, is it faeces? I am not sure that I want to know, but it still shouldn’t be there!

9. Any signs of Hoarding

Can you hear that? That’s the sound of alarm bells ringing! Hoarders have some real problems that need addressing. If he has piles and piles of seemingly pointless ‘stuff’ and mess, this can be an indicator of some underlying issues. NOTE that collectibles are not hoarding, they are hobbies.

10. A whole bunch of fast food wrappers.

Even the best of us can be partial to the occasional 2 am Maccas run. But weeks or months’ worth of fast food wrappers are alarming. Can this man feed himself? Does he know where his bin is? Has he ever eaten a vegetable?

A good rule of thumb: Is there anything in his home that makes you ask: ‘Am I going to be murdered in this house?’

GREEN LIGHTS (You know, the opposite of red flags)

House Plants.

Candles.

Clean towels (and more than one).

Dirty laundry that is in a basket/hamper.

Well cared for pets.

Fruit and Veg in the fridge (that aren’t floppy or mouldy).

Art on the walls.

The bar has not been raised particularly high here lads. Go to Kmart, spend $50 and impress all the ladies you bring home!

Open communication is hard, and a lack thereof is the number one biggest killer of relationships. We often want to ‘play it cool’ and not come across as intense when starting a new relationship. We fear scaring potential mates away by becoming too serious too fast. This often means that important questions go unasked, and foundational issues remain undiscussed until years into relationships (and sometimes not at all). Don’t wait until these topics become deal breakers. Put on your big person pants, suck it up and have some difficult conversations early. These are the 10 questions to discuss before you commit to a serious relationship.

Do we want to be monogamous, or will we have an open or ethically non-monogamous relationship?

This needs clarification early. If you decide to be an exclusive, monogamous couple, you need to decide between you what this means, where the boundaries are, what you each consider to be cheating. If you decide together to have an open, polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous relationship, it is doubly important to establish boundaries, have very open communication and define what this means for the both of you.

What does healthy communication look like for you?

How often do you need to see each other/speak to feel happy and healthy in your relationship? Knowing early whether or not your partner is a ‘texter’, or whether they hate phone calls or text based conversations can save a lot of confusion. If you’re forever feeling doubtful because they don’t message you back immediately, you need to ask and discuss between you how much daily communication each of you needs to feel satisfied. If you find that your need for communication is vastly different, you can find a healthy middle ground.

How important is physical touch for you in a relationship?

Physical touch is one of the 5 major love languages. For some, physical touch (not necessarily sex) is an extremely important aspect of a relationship. If this is something that is essential for you, your partner needs to know as early as possible, especially if you then discover they are not big on PDA or have trouble with physical intimacy.

What things will you not compromise on?

Lay out the things that are extremely important and foundational to you. Whether it be your faith, your living arrangements, or your need for certain experiences. If you know straight up that you have some unshakeable needs, your partner needs to be aware of them.

Create a Will/Want/Won’t list for sexual activities.

Remembering that sexuality is a fluid thing, and your notions of what you want may change over time. This is a conversation that should be had fairly often. What form (if any) of birth control/protection will you use? How would you deal with an unexpected pregnancy (for heterosexual couples)?  A will/want/ won’t list allows you to outline the things that you like, are open to and will absolutely not do sexually, which can save you some nasty surprises in the future.

Dr Lindsey Doe outlines this idea perfectly in this video

What are your top priorities?

Are you a workaholic, do you want children? How important is travel to you? A sea of bitterness and resentment can happen later in life and relationships if one of you yearns to see the world, but the other is completely career minded. Would you be happy to travel without each other? Establish if your priorities are aligned or vastly different, and if they are, can you compromise to make it work for you both.

Do our religious/political views clash? Will this be an issue in the future?

Do you have devout faith? Do your religious beliefs affect your dating or relationship in terms of intimacy or boundaries? Do you have similar views on important issues? Can you be accepting, if not understanding of your partner’s ideologies or are you secretly hoping to change their mind? Always remember that stepping into a relationship with the underlying thought of changing something fundamental about your partner, is a recipe for failure.

Do you like/will you tolerate this ‘thing’ that is important to me?

If you are a huge fan of (for example) gaming, theatre, ballet, or a particular sport, but your potential mate would rather punch themselves in the eyes than watch/hear about/tolerate your interest, then perhaps you have an issue. Will their distaste for your passion breed contempt, or can they let you enjoy what you like without interference? Can they learn to have an appreciation for the ‘thing’ that you love, or will they put you down or try to change your mind about it? Having separate interests and passions is extremely important, it is always easier if your partners at least respects, if not enjoys your hobbies and passions.

How important is family to you/ Do you want kids?

Save yourself some potential heartbreak down the line. Kids can be a make or break for some couples. I don’t feel as though this needs a lot of explaining. The desire to have a family should not be sacrificed for the sake of a relationship, if you feel as though becoming a parent is an important milestone for you.

What had caused your previous relationships to fail?

This is for some, a very difficult topic to broach, particularly if you were in the wrong in the past. You don’t need to go into agonising detail about your past failures, but at least addressing the things that became issues in past relationships will help you to determine what you can change to avoid a repeat in the future.

Be brave. Have difficult conversations. Thrive together!

They just don’t want to talk to you.

This is going to be a hard pill to swallow, but not every person you’re interested in is going to be interested back. Maybe you’ve hooked up and they have decided that they don’t want to pursue a further relationship with you. While it’s frustrating (and rude) that they haven’t just told you outright, your incessant texting is not going to help the situation. Cut your losses and find someone who reciprocates your interest, it will be better for them, you, and your mental health. If you don’t think you can control yourself, delete their number AND social media (or have a trusted friend do it for you).

They are a busy person/ have different priorities.

We all have sh*t going on. Most adults work real jobs that often don’t allow you to have your phone glued to your hand all day long. Unless you have messaged ‘HELP ME, I AM LITERALLY ON FIRE!’ I can assume that your message is probably not of dire importance. Every person has a different order of priorities for things in their life, and perhaps responding to frivolous messages is low on their list. If it is becoming a real issue for you, either let the situation go, or address it directly. Our phones also have this crazy function that will allow you to speak to each other with your actual voices. Give your thumbs a break and give them a call.

You’re being annoying

None of us really want to believe that we are the problem. But take it from this woman who sent 65, 000 messages to a man she met online, sometimes you just need to take a step back. If you’ve sent a significant amount of messages that have gone unanswered, you might be harassing your poor date. If your recipient is only responding after an intense barrage of messages, it might be time to cool your jets and give yourself a self-imposed limit on communication.

You’re hooked on instant gratification

It might be hard to fathom for the majority of us who have grown up in the internet and mobile phone era, but there was a time before instant messaging. We weren’t always in constant contact with each other, and perhaps the shift to this instant gratification lifestyle has caused us to become more impatient and less understanding as a whole.

We flip out if we wait more than a few hours for a response to communication, our minds wander straight to ‘where are they’, ‘who are they with’, ‘why don’t they want to talk to me’. Sometimes we forget that we are not the centre of anyone’s universe but our own. Chill out! Your own ego, insecurity and need for attention might be ruining your relationships. If this is happening in a long term relationship, or in a situation that looks like it might be serious, and it is genuinely affecting you. Talk to them, and I don’t mean via passive aggressive text messages. Tell them that it upsets you, let them help you to understand why it might be happening and work through it together. Healthy communication is the pillar of a strong relationship. Assumptions never do anyone any good.

They are not a ‘texter’

Some people just don’t like texting, or they don’t know how to communicate effectively via text based communication. This is completely understandable, there is no tone, no facial expressions, intent can be easily misconstrued (thank god for emoji’s). If that is a deal breaker for you, perhaps come to a compromise together. They will make sure to text back at least once a day, or alternatively put aside some time to speak to you on the phone or in person.

They forgot that they read your message.

I am absolutely guilty of this. Receive a message while at work, driving or out and file it in the ‘reply later’ section of my brain. Unfortunately, this is also seemingly the ‘delete’ section because 90% of the time I forget that I have ever read the message. If you’ve found yourself communicating with a serial forgetter, a gentle reminder to respond every now and then is okay.

They are playing mind games with you

This is what most people would like to believe when they are being ghosted or ignored. It shifts the blame from you to them, stops you from taking a moment to reflect inward. HOWEVER, there is a small portion of the time when this may actually be what is happening. If that’s the case. Don’t bother. It’s not worth your precious energy or time. Byeeeee.

They lost their thumbs in a tragic thumb accident

They haven’t learned to text with their toes yet.

They sold their phone for a sack of magic beans.

The first date pleasantries vortex

If you’re like me, small talk will make you feel like taking the steak knife from the table between you and ramming it straight into your own eyeball. Of course, you’re going to spend a bit of time swapping general niceties: Where you work, if you have kids, the usual, boring, getting-to-know-you business. After that, you can manoeuvre the conversation forward toward more interesting subject matter. This will begin to determine whether or not you might be truly compatible. The difficulty here is knowing what to say, as well as combating and embracing silences.

One way to avoid the dreaded awkward pause is to prepare some topics beforehand. You don’t have to memorise a whole script, but feeling prepared and having a few ideas ready can help to calm your nerves. If you often find yourself floundering for something to say, take it a step further and bring cards with topics or questions on them.

A friend of mine did this on his first date with his now fiancé (tried and tested folks). He simply placed the cards face down on the table for any potential lull in the conversation. Although they turned out to have enough to say to each other without them, it created a sense of intrigue and was a cute icebreaker (plus, she was dying to know what was on them!).

The endless void of self-aggrandising bullsh*t

We’ve all been here, right? It’s been 30 minutes and your date and their seemingly endless lung capacity have just babbled you into a boredom coma. You struggle to resist rolling your eyes into the fourth dimension. Yet they continue to dribble on about nothing but themselves and their myriad of accomplishments. An endless sermon of me, me, me. Barney Stinson called, he wants his personality back.

Beware of: The classic ‘humblebrag’, those ostensibly modest statements that are sneakily used to undermine you. “Oh, you’re a school teacher! How fascinating. I once fed 12 starving children by regurgitating my food directly into their mouths, but that was nothing.” Please stop shooting me in the face with a semi-automatic loaded with your own sense of self-importance.

There is not a lot that can be done to redeem a date with narcissus incarnate. This tends to be a lost cause, but here a couple of ways to deal with the situation.

1. Leave. BYE. Nobody has time for that.
2. Start talking about your cats, it doesn’t matter if you don’t have any, invent 12! Give them personalities and painfully cute names. Live the dream.
3. Drink heavily, make them pay.
4. Try to outdo their self-obsessed diatribe with your own outlandish achievements. You, rescued a puppy from under a car? Well, I flossed without bleeding this morning. Checkmate.

I want to order real food, but not seem like a fat sh*t

As I mentioned in a previous article my partner was never more beautiful to me than when I watched him devour a burger like his life depended on it. If your date is turned off by you getting down and dirty with a plate of meat and potatoes, how are they going to feel about seeing you in your underwear, watching Netflix and shoveling Doritos into your mouth by the handful?

Order those ribs! Smear them all over your face! You do you, you glorious bastard.

Help! My date seems to have glued their phone to their hand because they WON’T PUT IT DOWN.

This is just plain rude and gives you full licence to be as weird as you like until they put their goddamn phone down.

It is not a difficult concept. Put. Your. Phone. Away. We have become so dependent on connectivity and instant gratification that we sometimes forget to experience our actual lives. There is a real, tangible human being sitting right in front of you, talk to them!

This can be combatted by stating at the beginning of the date a ‘phones away’ rule, or a ‘phones in the middle of the table rule’. Make it fun, perhaps they have to buy you shots every time they pick up their phone, or whoever touches their phone first pays the bill. If they really won’t put it down, just send them a text that says ‘Bye, b**ch’, and go do something more entertaining like staring at a brick wall.

Why are they so obsessed with their ex?

The age-old question, ‘it is okay to talk about your ex on a first date?’ It’s not a 100% taboo subject, nobody is pretending that they’ve never been on another date before. But it’s a warning signal when your date talks non-stop about ‘crazy’ exes. It tends to indicate that they can’t accept responsibility for their own failures. Red flags baby, red flags everywhere. The way a person speaks about others is a great indication of their character. Talking smack about exes (particularly to someone you have just met) can make you appear like a magnet for drama.

Showing up late

A little lateness can be forgiven. We get it, traffic can be hell, trains delayed, got stuck at work, whatever. But please, for the love of god, just call and let them know, or send a text one of the multitudes of platforms we have to contact each other. It’s not a difficult concept, just show up on time, or at least within a reasonable period of lateness. If you know you’re going to be pressed for time, maybe push the date back a half hour in advance. Most importantly, if you decide you no longer want to go on the date (which is your prerogative) just TELL THEM.

The honestly policy

There is a fine line with honesty on a first date. While we want to be upfront with our date as much as possible, we also need to find ways to do so without hurting their feelings. Here are some handy Do’s and Don’ts

DO:

Mention if you’re a vegetarian/vegan/coeliac/recovering alcoholic before the date.

Be upfront about what you are looking for.

Tell them about the things that you are passionate about.

Have the courage to call it a night if it’s really not working about (but don’t be a d*ck about it)

DON’T

Tell them that you were expecting them to be better looking.

Make comments about their weight.

Put them down for what they believe in (Sometimes you’re just not compatible, but that’s no reason to be rude).

Hide your true self. You have to embrace your weird hobbies. If they don’t approve of them on the first date, they aren’t going to approve of them on the 5^th or 100^th date either.

WHO IS GONNA PAY FOR THIS

Let’s just forget about those painful old gender stereotypes for a second. Unless you’re an entitled a**hole, you should at least OFFER to split the bill (even if you know they will refuse), especially if you ate/drank more than your date.

If you decide to split the bill, don’t be a penny-pincher. Counting the cents only makes you seem pedantic, just split that bad boy down the middle. The exception to this being if one of you has ordered far more extravagantly, then it’s that person’s responsibility to pay for their lavish meal. If you’re on a tight budget, mention it beforehand, use your words!

Big ol’ red flags

• Staff rudeness. If your date is rude to the waiter or staff wherever you are, your date is a jerk.
• Chewing with your mouth open. I didn’t ask for Seafood, this is not dinner and a show.
• Bringing parents along. I can’t believe this one is even getting a mention. In my research, for this article, I was ASTOUNDED by the number of stories about people bringing their parent’s on their date. What?!? No!!
• Hygiene. Hygiene. Hygiene. If they have not even taken the time to shower for your date, do you think they are going to put any effort into cleanliness in the rest of their life?
• Asking about how much money you make/your financial security. Unless you’re seeking a sugar relationship, that is nobody’s business on your first date.
• Getting too clingy too fast. Don’t Ted Mosby your poor date.

Hopefully, these tips can help you avoid a disaster of a first date, or at least recognise it while it is happening. If you still have a terrible first date, that’s okay! Go home and high five yourself and your 12 imaginary cats for being single.

Unless you’ve been dropped onto planet earth straight out of a Disney musical or are some kind of callous, unfeeling automaton. Chances are you’ve experienced the burn of heartbreak. It’s an undeniable fact that statistically, most of us are going to be spectacularly dumped at least once while we grapple our way through the hell-scape that is modern dating.

I am having a chat with author Sarah Robinson; the quick-witted, foul-mouthed wordsmith behind the semi-autobiographical activity book ‘F**k Off and Die’, a collaboration between herself and talented Perth artist Jade Foo.

This astute little guide is there is hold your hand (rather violently) through the first month of a breakup. You’ll find no Namaste-deep breathing-new age-nonsense in here, only brutal honesty and a rather unorthodox list of self-healing activities.

I’m sure you’ve been asked this one a million times, but tell us your thought process during the initial writing stages of FOD.

“I was going through a breakup, and when I go through something hard, I like to read articles or books that offer tips on how to get through things. I found so much of the stuff I read told me to meditate or forgive or find peace, but I could hardly get through a minute of the day without crying, let alone do a downward dog.

So, I started doing things that actually helped me, at least for a moment. Then a friend of mine was going through a break up with an abusive man, and I thought, ‘if I can just write these things down that helped me, maybe she’ll stay away from him?’

I’d already started the book, but when I realised my friend could maybe get some benefit from it, I stopped procrastinating and finished it that day. She didn’t go back to him, and although she says it helped her a lot, I also think she’s a bad ass warrior woman.”

Tell me the #1 sh*ttiest piece of advice someone gave you concerning your breakup.

“I hate it when people say, ‘at least you didn’t have kids’, or ‘at least you didn’t buy a house together’. I think the worst thing people can do, no matter what, is delegitimising your feelings. Whether you’re with them for two weeks or 20-years, your feelings are real, and to process them, you need to feel them. I know it totally sucks because at times the pain can be unbearable, but I think it helps you recover in the long term.

I don’t think these people mean anything by their comments. I think a lot of people just want to ‘fix’ your pain, which is so understandable. But really, all you can do is give people space to grieve without judging them. Do tangible things if you can think of them, but ultimately, your job isn’t to take their pain away, but be a safe person for them to feel it around.

It’s the most generous and beautiful thing you can do for someone grieving.”

Did writing this book help speed along the healing process for you?

“Probably! The healing process is a strange one. I think your body grieves in many different stages, and sometimes even years later you’ll feel loss about something you didn’t realise you hadn’t dealt with yet.

I use the word ‘grief’ because studies show that to your brain a break up is just as painful as the death of a loved one. So many women I know say, ‘oh I shouldn’t feel this bad, I’m just weak’. But no, you are going through a painful time, and the worst thing you can do is invalidate your feelings. They are real, and feeling them is an act of strength, not weakness.

Also, by being vulnerable, you give other people permission to be too. Although of course, that’s not what it’s about. A break up is just about you doing whatever you need to do to get through the pain, into the light and then eventually, into the epic life you were always meant to lead. And trust me, you will!”

Did you ever actually tell your ex to Fuck off and Die?

“Haha, no! But I really felt I wanted to sometimes.”

The FIRST result when googling ‘surviving a breakup’ is ‘meditate don’t medicate’, which is the antithesis of everything in your book. What is it about this advice that grinds your gears?

“When you’re in the midst of a breakup, it’s difficult to even function like a normal human, let alone begin a wild meditation regime.

The advice pisses me off because when you’re feeling like shit and reading it, you feel even shittier because you’re supposed to be downward dogging et al, but you’re crying, sleeping and not showering instead.

I think it’s more nourishing to accept things are absolute crap, feel your sadness and be gentle on yourself. I watched a lot of children’s television with my one-year-old nephew, bought heaps of black t-shirts and chain-smoked menthols on drunken nights out.

I did what I needed to do to get through the initial period without him.

Besides hanging with my nephew and the odd black crop top, I don’t do any of that anymore. (Okay, I still get drunk, but without the durries.)

Breaking up is like kicking an addiction. I think if you can get through that first month without them, you’re way more likely to get clean and then if you feel like it, start meditating.

This is even more important if the partner in question is abusive, which is also why part proceeds of the book go to a Women’s Shelter in the South West of WA.”

Somewhere out there, there is a woman who has just broken up with the so-called love of her life. If you could shout through the void to her your biggest pearl of wisdom, what would it be?

“There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Know that your pain is legitimate and real, and even though it may not feel like it, it will eventually get less and less.

You are feeling this immense pain because you loved fucking hard, and that is so bad ass.

Also, don’t break up alone. Reach out to people who make you feel safe. You will be surprised who wants to be there for you in your time of need. Your pain is not a burden on people, in fact, most people will feel honoured to heed your call in your time of need.

The first time my ex and I broke up, I didn’t tell anyone, and it was so hard. The second time (because it can take a few goes) I decided to reach out to as many people as I could.

As a result, I now have stronger and more beautiful friendships with people that I would never have expected. Just choose people you feel will give you what you need.

Breakups are scary because change is scary. And, you’ve just lost your best f**king friend. But you are a warrior, and you will eventually burn bright again.

Sorry, that’s way more than one pearl.”

You can get your paws on a copy of her book here http://www.fodbook.com (there is even a free downloadable PDF for the cheapskates in the crowd)

Can’t get enough Sarah? Read more of her musings on her blog. http://www.fodbook.com/blog

Follow her on Instagram @FODbook

Feature image credit: Jade Foo

Compatibility of fundamental values

Travelling together will help you to decide what you truly connect on, and whether your core values align. If your primary objective of lounging by the pool all day (cocktail in hand), makes your partner itch with boredom. While their idea of climbing the nearest mountain, sounds like of the 7^th layer of hell to you, you may have yourselves a problem.

This incompatibility does not necessarily mean the doom of a relationship. So long as you are able to reach compromises together. Find activities you will both enjoy, or allow time apart to explore your own interests. Strict unwavering in this regard may be a red flag that you’re just not going to work out, which brings me to the next point.

Communication under stress

We tend to lash out when we are stressed. Calm and respectful communication is tantamount to a healthy relationship. You might find yourself in situations that you feel are the other person’s fault and wish to lay blame or lash out. However, it’s resisting the urge to do this and instead communicating openly and problem-solving as a team which will bring you together.

Let me give you an anecdote from my own experience travelling with my partner:

It’s 12 am, we have just finished a night safari in New Zealand, and we haven’t figured out how we are going to get home. We walk to the bus station and wait, and wait some more. 30 minutes pass and we realise, the bus is not coming. My partner turns to me and suggests that we start walking. I agree, and as we get no more than 5 minutes down the road, the bus zooms past, and we have missed it.

We now find ourselves faced with an hour and a half trek down a mountainside, and note at this point, neither of us have eaten dinner. Every step down this hill wearing stupid shoes only increases the ever-growing hangry rage boiling in us both. We eventually find ourselves back at the hotel with a single mission; eat something before we murder each other. We get into to car in search of a drive through (Spoiler alert: we were staying in the CBD, this was a stupid idea). After fruitlessly driving for another 15 minutes we drive the car back to the hotel and walk out into the cold, sniffing the air for any sign of food nearby.

At this point I’m so hungry I could lick the pavement. We reached the closest fast food place and I nearly cried as I read that it has closed, after some swift googling we almost ran to the next place. I swear a tear of joy crept out of my eye as we walked into the restaurant at 2 am. As I sat, finally placated and fed and watched my partner devour that burger like a starved wildebeest I realised, this is the one.

This was without a doubt an extremely high-stress situation that could have led to an argument or an opportunity to dole out blame. But we both (relatively) kept our cool, and it remains one of my favourite relationship stories.

Forced time together

Aside from holiday situations, couples will rarely find themselves spending extended periods of time with each other in close quarters. Autonomy and personal space are important in any relationship, but while travelling you’ll find yourselves stuck together with no means of escape. This is a great assessment to determine if you truly enjoy each other’s company for longer than a few hours at a time. When you take a person out of their natural habitat, it is a test of their ability to adapt to new situations. Will they crack under pressure, or do they keep a cool head? It’s a time for you to decide whether your partner’s quirks or endearing or deal breaking.

Shared Problem solving

If you have had a travelling experience where not a single thing has gone wrong, congratulations, you’ve won the holiday lottery! For the rest of us mere mortals, we know that regardless of how well planned, or painstakingly organised you are, something somewhere is going to go wrong. Cars break down, flights are delayed, or you find yourselves lost in a foreign country. It’s these moments that can define how you problem solve as a couple. Can you come to a shared agreement on the best course of action or will you disagree until the situation dissolves into a fight? Solving problems together and feeling satisfied with the outcome can bring you closer as a couple, and also grant insight into how you might solve problems together further down the track.

You challenge each other’s limits

This is the time to try new things together and to test each other’s limits. Foreign experiences will allow you to learn what is and what is not for you. You might find yourself yelling ‘AGAIN!’ after zip lining through a forest, or maybe you’ll be in the foetal position crying ‘never again’. New experiences together let us learn things about our partner we might never have had to opportunity to learn otherwise. You’ve discovered they hated zip lining? Better cross skydive voucher off the list of potential Christmas gifts. New and exciting experiences, even terrifying ones give you a shared bond that you’ll always have together.

And Finally

Hotel sex = incredible