What real estate taught me about trying an alternative lifestyle
What real estate taught me about trying an alternative lifestyle.
How are real estate and swinging/alternate lifestyles linked you ask?
It all comes down to relationship “fixes”. There are no quick or easy fixes but buying a new house, having a baby or looking into swinging or any type of lifestyle change are just a few relationship fixes that many people try in order to save a relationship in trouble. They usually end in destroying it with the only one’s winning being the real estate agents and lawyers when divorce time comes.
None of these things are going to fix a relationship in fact unless your relationship is rock solid you shouldn’t even consider any of them. I’ve been in both real estate and counselling for over 15 years and see the damage done time and time again.
So let’s take a closer look at what you need to consider when thinking about swinging or opening up your relationship to involve other people in any way
Do get on the same page
Consider your motivation and how you are going to bring it up with your partner, you are going to want to make them feel good about it not that they are not good enough. Deal with all your concerns and hesitations upfront no matter how small or insignificant they might seem. Guys this will involve a lot of talking you may not deem necessary or like but it really is essential, so be patient.
Do your homework.
There are lots of ways to get information about alternative lifestyles, spend some time on the internet, go to a munch or two (alternative lifestyle friendly get togethers generally in ‘vanilla’ environments) and speak with other couples already in an alternative lifestyle, get things into perspective and re-evaluate based on what you learn.
Do go slow, agree to a trial period first with firm boundaries
Discuss Who/how/when/where will meets be arranged and happen.
What sexual acts are OK for each person, think about group, swap or individual scenarios.
Try some low expectation / low pressure environments like a house party, drinks with a couple or go to a classy club first.
Do walk through some what-if scenarios, separately and together
Be prepared to deal with it if it doesn’t work out. A good way to do this might be to go through some ‘what if’ scenarios like:
What if my partner gets jealous.
What if I go through with it and my partner doesn’t.
What if one partner is attracted to someone else on a deeper level.
What if one or both has a bad experience.
It’s good to have an idea of how you might react.
Don’t use non-monogamy as a way to delay breaking up
If your relationship is not going well and you are fighting now just isn’t the time, get some help to work out your issues before even considering it as this won’t fix a thing.
Use as a crutch to prolong ending a relationship that you know isn’t working and you are considering breaking up, you have to close one door to allow other doors to be open to you.
My way or the highway just isn’t going to work here, you need to be flexible and really consider your partners point of view, boundaries and thoughts on your relationship and what is and isn’t going to work, they may be very different from yours.
Break any agreed rules or lie about what you are doing, trust me it will not end well.
Final words on the matter:
Forget location, location, location and think communication, communication, communication. Alternative lifestyles take work, time and must be a team effort. Respect each other as well as protecting your main relationship. This must be your top priority. If the experience is not enhancing your relationship then it just shouldn’t be a part of it. Some things may just need to remain fantasies. Often fantasies don’t turn out as well as you might imagine in reality, so be prepared. Life isn’t like porn, so always keep it real.
There are professionals that are ‘lifestyle’ friendly. Consider seeing someone who can facilitate the discussion and decision process and maybe check in with from time to time to make sure things really are what you perceive them to be.
Most of all have fun, try new things and use the lifestyle to grow as a couple.
Have anything else to add? Tell us in the comments section below!