Interview & book give-away – Sexologist, Dr Nikki Goldstein!
In #singlebutdating, Dr Nikki Goldstein dispenses invaluable advice on how to live the #singlebutdating life by empowering women to make informed choices, understanding consequences and the implications of wants and desires. We recently sat down with Dr Goldstein to chat about the book and the state of modern dating.
(RedHotPie) – Is #singlebutdating full of book smarts or your own street smarts?
(Dr Nikki Goldstein) – It’s a combination of my professional and personal experiences. It’s the benefit of writing a book not only as a Sexologist but also a #singlebutdating woman . I knew I could connect with my audience because I understood them. It was confronting at times to share personal stories and reflect on my past, but this after all was how the concept was born – after living this life without a label and without the right advice or permission.
What modern day dating dilemmas does the book address?
It addresses new dating dilemmas in general. The dating landscape as changed completely. Some things stays the same but so much as changed and maybe our biggest problem these days is that we have too many choices. But because many of these changes in the dating world are relatively new, we suffer from a lack of role moiling on how to deal with them and navigate through them. That’s why I felt the modern woman needed a new book.
How do you suggest people traverse the fractured, segmented romantic landscape of the modern world?
There is so much going against us these days in general. We are being fed messages at high speeds that we are not good enough and are being given a mould to fill and roles to follow that might just not belong to us, only adding to low self of self worth and dissatisfaction. Therefore the biggest and best thing anyone can do is to work out what they want away from the influences of media, society, religion and peer pressure and also work on their self esteem so they are able to deal with the negativity that comes their way.
How do you suggest people cut through the personas and projections we all have to create these days… how do you actually get to know someone?
It’s about learning how to be present with someone and withhold from making a quick judgment and putting them in a box. Because dating these days is so superficial and disposable, we might be tempted to pass on someone who doesn’t tick everything on our dating list. However, we not only need to challenge this wish list but when we are with someone, focus on how we feel when we are with them instead of focusing on external superficial factors. It’s also useful to keep a positive mind, turn your attention to who they are not what they are not, it will help keep you open minded. Also put your phone away! When you are on a date with someone, be on a date with them, not distracted by the online and outside world.
Being that we’re able to contact so many people thanks to modern technology, is partner juggling becoming a thing? Is it good or bad?
I think we need to assume that when we first start dating someone they are already dating someone else. Unless it’s an open relationship you are after, if you go in with this assumption you will hopefully lessen the chance of hurt or surprise. But just as they might be dating multiple people, so can you too. It’s good to not be always focusing on one person in the early days but also too many people could act as a distraction and stop a real connection occurring. It’s vital though when you get to a point where you feel things are a little more serious or feelings really develop and you just want to be with one person that you have that conversation. Assumptions can be dangers in this aspect when one person just thinks that now you are not seeing other people but the other person has a tinder profile and is still chatting to other people. At some point, you need to make sure you are on the same page. When that point is though is up to you.
What are the positives coming from the technological romance revolution?
It has never been so easy to meet people. The downside is there are so much choices now and we are becoming a bit disposable, but if we can concur our self esteem, challenge the dating list and learn how to communication and connect with people, the tech world when it comes to dating can be a lot of fun. You no longer need to go out and run the risk of embarrassment at a bar on a Saturday night but at the same time it’s important to balance our online dating skills with in the flesh interactions. Don’t forget or stop talking to strangers and flirting with people in the real world.
What sort of tips and tricks do you have for people to achieve the best results with dating sites and apps?
If it’s a dating site, a web address can say a lot so make sure you are on the right site and consider what it says about you. Also ensure that you have enough information to interest the person but not too much that it’s a long book. With apps, as words are not in abundance, tell a story with photos. e.g. If you like the outdoors and animals put up photos that tells someone that. Also make sure to stay away from group photos or photos with other people. It’s about you, not giving a level of comparison with your friends
Is romance and chivalry etc still important?
Yes it is, even in the casual hook up world. Romance might be tricky and when we get a sniff of that we do feel like more is ahead but chivalry to me is just respect. Why can’t you be nice and affectionate to someone you just had casual sex with or have just started dating? They have just given you something special whether it is their time or their body, so why not be respectful in return? Even though woman these days are a lot stronger and empowered it doesn’t mean they don’t want some old fashioned dating manners. Men might actually get a little further if they incorporated these.
It seems we’re being trained to cultivate lots of relationships, but how do we really dig in to one, and get that kind of connection that can last a lifetime?
Judge someone on the internal not the external. Get to know who they are, listen to what they have to say and focus on how you feel when you are together. You can date according to a list but you might only find yourself unhappy and looking for what’s next. Dating and being in a relationship is not about fulfilling an ego, it’s about enjoying moments and feelings with someone else.
Is the traditional idea of the monogamous, married couple outdated, or is it still the end goal for most?
I think the end goals are changing and one of the important things is to work out what your end goal is. This is what #singlebutdating is all about. Take the time to explore and work out what you want so you can be in a relationship that is right for you, whatever that might look like.
And how’s about yourself, have these tips lead to your own dating bliss?
100%! I have taken the time to finally work out what makes me happy and how I want to date and be in relationships. As a result I really enjoy my dating life and I get to date some amazing people. If it doesn’t work out it’s because we are not right for each other and I now know the difference between right or wrong in the dating game for me. I also enjoy this part of my life more and have fun with it. As I wrote the book and created the steps I feel like I went through them again myself and have become even more of the most dateable version of me.
Thanks to Random House Publishing and RedHotPie, you could win one of four copies of #singlebutdating! CLICK HERE to enter.